Free The Good Soldier Svejk by Jaroslav Hašek

proof that the people of Prague are furnishing model examples of love for their country and the Royal Family.
    The Prager Tagblatt wrote in similar terms and concluded its report by saying that the crippled volunteer had been accompanied by a crowd of Germans who had protected him with their bodies against attempts made to lynch him by Czech agents of the Entente powers.
    Bohemia published this report and demanded that the crippled patriot should be rewarded, adding that any gifts from German citizens for the unknown hero should be sent to the offices of the paper.
    While, according to these three papers, the Czech territory was unable to produce a single lofty-minded citizen, the gentlemen on the medical board did not hold this view.
    This applies particularly to Dr. Bautze, chairman of the board. He was a man who stood no nonsense and who regarded everything as a fraudulent attempt to escape the army and the front, bullets and shrapnel.
    He is well known for his remarks "Das ganze tschechische Volk ist eine Simulantenbande." 2
    Within ten weeks of his activities he weeded out 10,999 malingerers from 11,000 civilians and he would have collared the eleven thousandth man, if at the very moment when Dr. Bautze yelled at him "Kehrt euch!" 3 the unfortunate fellow had not had a stroke.
    "Take this malingerer away," said Dr. Bautze, when he had ascertained that the man was dead.
    And now on that memorable day Schweik stood before him stark naked like all the rest, but bashfully hiding his nudity with the crutches on which he was leaning.
    "Dos ist wirklich ein besonderes Feigenblatt,"* said Dr. Bautze, "there weren't any fig-leaves like that in the Garden of Eden."
    2 "The whole of the Czech nation is a gang of malingerers."
    3 "About turn."
    4 "That's a very funny kind of fig-leaf."
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    "In the lowest category on account of being weak-minded," remarked the sergeant-major, examining the official records.
    "And what else is wrong with you?" asked Dr. Bautze.
    "Beg to report, sir, I've got rheumatism, but I'll serve the Emperor till I'm hacked to pieces," said Schweik modestly. "My knees are swollen."
    Bautze glared ferociously at the good soldier Schweik and yelled: "Sie sind ein Simulant!" 5 and turning to the sergeant-major he said with icy calm : "Den Kerl sogleich einsperren !" 6
    Two soldiers with fixed bayonets led Schweik away to the military prison.
    Schweik hobbled along on his crutches but with horror he perceived that his rheumatism was disappearing.
    When Mrs. Muller who, with the Bath chair, was waiting for Schweik on the bridge, saw him escorted by bayonets, burst into tears and left the Bath chair in the lurch, never to return to it.
    And the good soldier Schweik modestly proceeded in the escort of the state defenders.
    The bayonets glittered in the sunshine and when they reached the Radetzky monument Schweik turned to the crowd who was accompanying him.
    "To Belgrade ! To Belgrade !" he shouted.
    And Marshal Radetzky gazed dreamily from his monument at the good soldier Schweik departing with his recruit's nosegay in his coat, as he limped along on his old crutches, while a solemn-looking gentleman informed the people round about that they were taking a deserter to prison.
    5 "You are a malingerer."
    6 "Have the fellow locked up immediately."
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    8.
    Schweik as Malingerer.
    At this momentous epoch the great concern of the military doctors was to drive the devil of sabotage out of the malingerers and persons suspected of being malingerers, such as, consumptives, sufferers from rheumatism, rupture, kidney disease, diabetes, inflammation of the lungs, and other disorders.
    The torments to which malingerers were subjected had been reduced to a system, and the degrees of torment were as follows :
    I. Absolute diet—a cup of tea morning and evening for three days, accompanied by doses of aspirin to produce sweating, irrespective of what the patient complained of.
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    2.  To prevent them from supposing that the army