Free The Wilt Alternative by Tom Sharpe Page A

bawled Eva.
    'For your information I am simply brushing my teeth prior to climbing into bed and if you

think I am doing anything else...' He was interrupted by the toothbrush. The end jumped off and

fell into the washbasin.
    'Now what are you doing?' Eva demanded.
    'Trying to get the brush out of the plughole,' said Wilt, an explanation that led to further

recriminations, a brief and uneven encounter at the top of the stairs and finally a disgruntled

Wilt being shoved out through the kitchen door with a sleeping-bag and told to spend the rest of

the night in the summer-house.
    'I won't have you perverting the minds of the wee ones,' Eva shouted through the door, 'and

tomorrow I'm seeing a lawyer.'
    'As if I bloody care,' Wilt shouted back and wove down the garden to the summerhouse. For a

while he stumbled about in the darkness trying to find the zip in the sleeping-bag. It didn't

appear to have one. Wilt sat down on the floor and got his feet into the thing and was just

wriggling his way down it when a sound from behind the summerhouse startled him into silence.

Someone was making his way through the orchard from the field beyond. Wilt sat still in the

darkness and listened. There could be no doubt about it. There was a rustle of grass, and a twig

broke. Silence again. Wilt peered over the edge of the window and as he did so the lights in the

house went out. Eva had gone to bed again. The sound of someone walking cautiously through the

orchard began once more. In the summer-house Wilt's imagination was toying with burglars and what

he would do if someone tried to break into the house, when he saw close outside the window a dark

figure. It was joined by a second. Wilt crouched lower in the summerhouse and cursed Eva for

leaving him without his trousers and...
    But a moment later his fears had gone. The two figures were moving confidently across the lawn

and one of them had spoken in German. It was Irmgard's voice that reached Wilt and reassured him.

And as the figures disappeared round the side of the house Wilt wriggled down into the

sleeping-bag with the relatively comfortable thought that at least his Muse had been spared that

insight into English family life which Eva's denunciations would have revealed. On the other

hand, what was Irmgard doing out at this time of night and who was the other person? A wave of

self-pitying jealousy swept over Wilt before being dislodged by more practical considerations.

The summer-house floor was hard, he had no pillow and the night had suddenly become extremely

chilly. He was damned if he was going to spend the rest of it outside. And anyway the keys to the

front door were still in his jacket pocket. Wilt climbed out of the sleeping-bag and fumbled for

his shoes. Then dragging the sleeping-bag behind him he made his way across the lawn and round to

the front door. Once inside he took off his shoes and crossed the hall to the sitting-room and

ten minutes later was fast asleep on the sofa.
    When he awoke Eva was banging things about in the kitchen while the quads, evidently gathered

round the breakfast table, were discussing the events of the night. Wilt stared at the curtains

and listened to the muffled questions of his daughters and Eva's evasive answers. As usual she

was garnishing downright lies with mawkish sentimentality.
    'Your father wasn't very well last night, darling,' he heard her say. 'He had the collywobbles

in his tummy that's all and when he gets like that he says things... Yes, I know mumsy said

things too, Hennypenny. I was... What did you say, Samantha?... I said that?... Well he can't

have had it in the toothmug because tummies won't go in little things like that... Tummies,

darling... You can't get collywobbles anywhere else... Where did you learn that word,

Samantha?... No he didn't and if you go to playgroup and tell Miss Oates that Daddy had

his...'
    Wilt buried his head under the cushions to