Free Out in the Army: My Life as a Gay Soldier by James Wharton

discussion about the events leading up to that evening, in particular the riding master’s inspection the previous day.
    They asked me if anything was wrong and why exactly I had snapped before the inspection. I told them that it was just the stresses of kit ride and not to worry about it, but they had an agenda. I knew this conversation had been coming my way for weeks. Some time before, Jamie had passed an innocent comment to me about my lack of interest in women. He didn’t linger on the thought at the time, but I now realised that he wasn’t just making an off-the-cuff remark. He was trying to let me know that he understood I was different.
    Dean, who knew me so well, pointed out that my actions the previous day were completely out of character and Josh spokeabout how very different he thought I’d been acting in general. They kept asking me if I wanted to get anything off my chest, at which point Dean just announced he thought I was gay and that I was struggling to come to terms with the fact.
    I couldn’t believe someone was actually saying those words to me. Nobody had ever mentioned such a thing. A bit of me wanted to take offence but the other side of me felt something quite different. Something I hadn’t really felt before. Liberation.
    The three sat there in silence, staring at me. I couldn’t find the words I thought I should respond with; instead, I found the words I’d longed to say for years. ‘Yes. I’m gay.’
    I wish I could express what it felt to finally say those words. I’d said something that I’d never said before, although I’d known for some time. The biggest problem in my life was accepting the fact that I was gay. Since the age of sixteen I’d known for sure, but had convinced myself upon joining the army that it was a phase that might pass as I became a soldier. Every time my repressed sexuality came to the surface, I’d swallow it down and keep it locked up. At last I’d opened the door – and I was out!
    Jamie still to this day insists he’d known for months about my hidden sexuality. I’d often play it down but it was obvious: Jamie had known all along. The truth was out. What next? Was I about to be beaten up? Was I about to find myself alone in west London, deserted? In the ten or so seconds of silence that we all found ourselves in, each trying to capture our thoughts, hundreds of possible outcomes flashed through my mind. Loneliness. Bullying. Rejection. Loathing. Repulsion. What was going to happen now?
    Dean stood up and opened his arms to hug me. To me, he was the greatest person in the world at that moment. I was glad to have someone like him. He and the others promised to stand by my side. They reaffirmed their friendship with me and congratulated me again and again for coming out.
    The night continued and we all agreed to hit the following week and the dreaded inspection on the Friday head-on. We were going to finish this course together and become fully trained Household Cavalrymen.
    Right then, I felt empowered by my announcement and the support my close mates had displayed to me. Thoughts of the remaining weeks of kit ride disappeared off my radar. I felt on top of the world. My recent anxiety was inextricably linked to my unhappiness in myself. I had been unhappy since my early teens, ever since I’d hidden my real self. I was finally ready to embrace who I was. I wanted to be gay.
    The third week started with a bump on that very early Monday morning. The riding staff had decided that, after our weekend off, they were really going to put us through some pain, riding in the indoor school in full state kit at 8 a.m. By the time I’d sweated it out in the saddle for a few hours and returned to the stables, the gossip from the weekend had started to circulate. Initially I was a little upset that my closest three friends had somehow let slip the news but I knew them well and I was sure they wouldn’t have done it maliciously. In the end, they were probably doing me