Free Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship by David Schnarch

got nervous or unhappy.
    Now, after twenty years of marriage, Sally refused to do this anymore. It wasn’t just stubbornness. It was beyond feeling frustrated that she never made Robert happy for long. Years of
success
in accommodating Robert and supporting his reflected sense of self finally caught up with her.
    The more Sally supported Robert’s needy reflected sense of self, the more he came to expect it, and the more loudly he complained when he didn’t get it. The more Sally had sex and feigned enthusiasm, the less she wanted to do it. As Robert increasingly expected it and demanded it, her desire waned further. Robert’s attitude impinged on her sense of autonomy and triggered the human impulse to tell one’s partner, “Enough is enough.”
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Propping up your partner’s reflected sense of self
     
    It didn’t surprise me that Sally and Robert had sexual desire problems. They were gridlocked over sex and they didn’t like each other very much. In bed, their sexual encounters often collapsed in the opening moments.
    Their initial visit with me wasn’t much different. Robert complained that Sally didn’t want sex very often, and she didn’t take his needs into consideration. Sally got defensive and reeled off a long list of things she did for him, sex being one of them. Sally acknowledged she often didn’t have desire, but for years she went along and did it anyway.
    Robert countered that this was the problem: Sally always seemed to be doing him a favor. She never wanted sex for herself. According to Robert, Sally had some kind of problem because she never seemed interested in sex like normal people. He alternately criticized her for years of just going through the motions, and then for not being willing to continue doing that. I could see that Robert’s emotional whiplash of Sally was completely beyond his awareness.
    Robert pretty much did the same thing at home: He initiated sex several times a week and blew up if Sally wasn’t perky and raring to go. Then he sulked for days, breaking his deafening silences with curt responses that were punitive and withholding. Robert wanted her to know he was unhappy. If Sally didn’t pay enough attention to his obvious displeasure, his litany would start: “It’s not me, it’s
you
who has a problem!”
    For years, Sally apologized to Robert and said she was sorry. Robert usually accepted Sally’s apology if it was followed by sex. All was forgiven—until next time. But if Robert was really hurt and angry, they went through a second level: When Sally apologized, Robert responded with, “You don’t mean it.” Sally was supposed to cajole him into believing she cared. She was also expected to be particularly enthusiastic in the sex that inevitably followed. This was how Sally propped up Robert’s reflected sense of self—and sex wasn’t the only way they played this out.
    Sally “slid underneath” Robert, gave in to him, about disciplining their teenage son Jason. Robert was generally punitive with the boy. He demanded unquestioned obedience and deference from Jason, even morethan he did from Sally. Robert’s reflected sense of self was piqued if Jason hesitated to follow his dictates. Day by day Robert squeezed the life out of Jason.
    Sally knew this wasn’t right. But saying anything to Robert about it invariably triggered accusations of betrayal and undermining. As far as he was concerned, she was presenting a divided front to Jason, or aligning with Jason against him. So Sally usually kept silent. Until recently, Sally’s reflected sense of self prevailed whenever Robert was angry. Sally felt calmer, and things felt more stable if she gave in to whatever Robert wanted.
BORROWED FUNCTIONING
     
    Robert and Sally illustrate what I call
borrowed functioning
. Borrowed functioning is a way people cope with the fact that our first self is a reflected sense of self. We depend on a reflected sense of self because of how human beings develop. From infancy,