Free The Deeper We Get by Jessica Gibson Page A

in your head.” She patted my leg absently.
    “Yeah. I don’t know what to do with it all. I feel like I’m going to climb out of my skin.”
    “What do you want? Do you want to forgive him?”
    “No …I don’t know.” The fucked up part was I could feel myself slipping into the same habits from when I was younger. All the crap with my mom, it was replaying with him. I would always run when she called. It was one of the things I would forever feel guilty about, not going when she needed me last.
    “If you want my opinion, I’ll give it ,” she offered softly.
    “I do.”
    “I think he’s bad news, and you should stay away. Nothing good can come from him being around you.”
    I knew she was right, but there was some part of me that wanted to know him. He was my dad, and he’d been gone all my life. I wanted to believe that he had changed and that he really did love me. I hated myself for thinking that way, I didn’t even want to admit it to Scarlet.
    “I know you’re right. I shouldn’t let him do this to me. It’s not fair of him to expect me to forgive him.”
    “It’s really not fair of him at all. He did monstrous things to you and your sisters, he doesn’t deserve to know you.”
    I couldn’t help feeling torn up inside. All of my old scars were ripped open and bleeding, I just wondered if I would be able to stitch them together again. I didn’t want to think about him anymore. I wanted to go back to how it was before he came.
    “Where are we going anyway?”
    “I don’t know, San Diego maybe?” She shrugged.
    “I’ve never been, have you?” It was shocking how little I knew about her. We had gotten wrapped up in each other so quickly, everything else just seemed of little consequence. Like magnets pulling toward each other, we couldn’t stay away for long.
    “Yeah, Frank and I have gone a few times. Been to the zoo, Sea World, all that jazz. Of course, if you want we can go to Disneyland instead. It is the happiest place on earth.”
    “I think I’ll pass on Disneyland for today, sugary happiness is not what I’m in the mood for.”
    “What are you in the mood for?”
    “You, always you.” I ran my fingers through her hair.
    “You’ve got me, whenever you want me I’m yours.” She smiled.
    “Are you happy with Frank?” I was genuinely curious.
    “I guess, yeah. He’s a good guy, makes sure I have everything that I need. I think it’s hard for him because he went from not having any children to taking on a ten-year-old girl. But we managed well enough. He’s always trying to make up for not stepping in sooner. I know he feels guilty about it.”
    I always wondered about adults who did nothing to stop abuse. The signs are there in most cases, I know for sure they were in mine. How no one stepped in to help us, to save us, boggles the mind.
    “What do you want in life?” She glanced in my direction.
    “To be happy. More than anything that’s what I want. I want to forget the sadness and pain and move forward. How did you push past it all?”
    “I don’t know that I really did. I still think about him, still remember how it felt to be hit, how it felt afterwards when he would tell me he was sorry and not to tell anyone. The shame.”
    “Is he in prison?” I had never asked before . It felt like prying, and I didn’t want her to feel the need to tell me things she wasn't comfortable with sharing.
    “No, he’s been out for five years. I think he lives somewhere in northern California. I haven’t spoken to him in years. He calls Frank every now and then and sometimes asks to talk to me but I never do.”
    “Tell me something that makes you happy.” We’d talked enough about sadness and hurt. I only wanted happy for the rest of the day.
    “Summertime makes me happy. Reading always makes me happy. The ocean, playing in the waves, and lying in the hot sand with a book. Nothing is better than summer,” she sighed happily. “You really are in for a treat this