Free The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes by E. Henry Thripshaw

the doctor and says, “I’ve got a huge hole in my arse.”
    The doctor says, “Drop your pants, bend over and let me have a look.”
    The man does as he’s told. “My God!!” exclaims the doctor. “What could have made a hole as big as that?”
    He replies, “I’ve been fucked by an elephant.”
    The doctor says, “An elephant’s penis is long and thin . . . this hole is enormous!”
    “I know. He fingered me first.”
    I had sex with a chicken last night. It turns out the chicken came first, after all.
    I put my dick inside my daughter’s pet rabbit. He is not a happy bunny.
    I was forcing the dog to give me a blow job this morning when he suddenly turned on me. Fortunately his arse was just as good.
    A miserable-looking man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a treble whisky. “Wow, that’s some strong poison you’re ordering, you must be miserable,” says the barman.
    The man replies, “Well, I just found my wife in bed with my best friend, so yes, I’m feeling pretty bad.”
    The barman is deeply saddened by the man’s plight so he gives him the drink on the house and encourages him to tell him the fully story.
    “Well, I came home and walked into our bedroom, then I saw them together. I told her that we were through and to pack her things.”
    “And what did you do with your friend?” the barman enquires.
    He replies, “Well, I looked him right in the eye and I said, ‘bad dog!’”
“ I love a nice tight pussy. That’s why I’m in big trouble with the RSPCA. ”
    A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. The man says, “This is the pig I have been fucking.”
    His wife replies, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.”
    The man replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”
    Why did the pervert cross the road?
    Because his dick was stuck inside the chicken.
    What’s the worst thing about giving anal to a horse?
    The horse’s turn.
    Why did the zoophile cross the road?
    Because he saw the zebra crossing.
    I went home and caught the plumber with his dick up the dog’s arse! I can’t believe the police won’t do anything! It turns out the cunt is Corgi registered.
    If the dog’s tail is still wagging, can you really call it rape?

BIRDS
     
    Why don’t cockerels have hands?
    Because chickens don’t have tits.
    A pheasant waddles up close alongside a grouse, looks around and asks in a hushed tone, “If I stick my beak up your arse, would you be interested in returning the favour?”
    “Okay,” says the grouse. “I’m game if you are.”
     
    What do you call a female peacock?
    A peacunt.
    What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with an owl?
    A prick that stays up all night.
    Animal rights activists claim that cutting a chicken’s head off is cruel because it still runs around in pain. Not if you cut its legs off first.
    What should you do if a bird craps on your car?
    Don’t take her out again.
    The mating call of a robin: “Tweet tweet chirrup.”
    The mating call of an owl: “A twit to woo. A twit to woo.”
    The mating call of a blackbird: “Stick it up my ass Winston.”

BLINDNESS
     
    A coach driver is transporting a group of blind children back from a school trip. It is a hot summer’s day and he decides to stop for a break at a country inn. As the blind children get out of the coach he notices them carrying a football.
    “How are you going to play football?” he enquires.
    “We’ve got a special football with a bell in it,” says one of the boys. “Go and have a drink, we’ll be fine!”
    So the driver goes into the pub, gets himself a drink, and sits down to read the newspaper. About half an hour later a police officer enters the inn.
    “Who’s in charge of those blind kids outside?” asks the officer.
    “I am, officer. Is there a problem?”
    “I should say so, sir. They have just kicked a Morris dancer to death.”
    Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One, a German shepherd