Free Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures by Amber Dusick

A FIGHT A DAY
    We fight all the time. Almost every day. However, it is rarely about our relationship, our life choices or our deeply held personal beliefs. It is about something much more important.

    Especially when we are going to order in.

    Then sometimes after dinner we get to decide which movie to watch.

    We don’t go to bed angry. But sometimes we do go to bed without having watched a movie.
    TEMPERATURE
    We haven’t yet been able to calibrate our internal thermometers properly.

    I always tell him to take off more clothes. He especially appreciates this advice when he is already naked.
    Every once in a while he’ll let me thaw my hands under his shirt.

    But most of the time I have to sneak up on him. He calls it back rape. I call it cuddling.
    YOUR OPINION IS WRONG
    We mostly agree on music, except when we don’t.

    It couldn’t possibly be that my personal opinion differs from his.
    It must be that I’m somehow lacking in understanding.
    Of course, it goes both ways.

    And both of us are huge fans of “You haven’t given it a chance!” even when referring to things we’ve disagreed on for years.
    He also occasionally tries out, “You won’t admit that I’m right!” but that one just gets laughed at now.
    Can’t we just agree to disagree? Nah, that’s no fun.
    HOW I DON’T CUT PINEAPPLES
    I don’t like to cut pineapples, okay? I just don’t. They are big and messy and pokey.
    When we have a pineapple that needs to be cut I always bewitch Crappy Husband into doing it. (Notice how bewitch sounds so much sexier than manipulate.)
    First, I feign ignorance and helplessness.

    A damsel in distress! Will my brave knight come to slice the pineapple with a few swings of his sword?

    Nope, he just offers advice.
    So I start to chop up the pineapple by myself. Poorly.

    And my knight in shining armor finally arrives! To save the pineapple.
    It’s not like I’m the only one who uses this method, you know. He really does know how to operate the vacuum, but he somehow convinces me that I’m “just so much better at it” than he is.
    HOW HE GETS ME TO DO ALMOST ANYTHING
    We have a bunny garden. A bunny garden starts out as a regular garden but then the bunnies hijack it and eat everything.
    One day, I decide to build a fence.

    I’ll just use chicken wire and two-by-fours.

    He says “You can’t” on purpose. He knows this will guarantee that I’ll build a fence. This means he won’t have to.

    And I fall for it every time.
    CREDIT THE SOURCE, OR ARE YOU LISTENING?
    I don’t like having my content stolen.
    We are having a conversation and trying to figure something out.

    I suggest a theory, he suggests a theory. And so on . . .

    We continue going back and forth for several minutes.
    Then he announces:

    He says it all proudly. Just look at how smart he is. What he “just thought of” was exactly what I said five minutes ago.
    But he will not give me credit and admit that I had just said the same thing.
    This is the worst kind of theft. Or maybe he is just not listening.
    For example, he does something similar with news.

    I tell him something exciting and then several days later:

    Yep. Not listening.
    PET PEEVES
    While Crappy Husband has three pet peeves, I have only one. My pet peeve is that he has three pet peeves. Stupid ones.
    First, he thinks I should point the showerhead toward the wall before I get out so that it doesn’t spray him in the face when he turns the water on.

    I think he should just point the showerhead toward the wall before he turns the water on.
    Second, he thinks the small spoons need to be in a separate compartment from the big spoons.

    I think that the big and small spoons can get along.
    And third, he thinks I should splash water around after brushing my teeth so I don’t leave globs of toothpaste in the sink.

    I think he should remember that I’m the one who usually cleans the bathroom. The one who cleans it can dirty it. I’m sure this is written in our