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outside. But they could not have been all that shocked. No one tried to talk me into working things out with him. No one said much of anything, really. Probably because, as usual, I didn’t say much about it either.
    Despite the cloud of loneliness that was hanging over the back of my mind in general, I was glad to be single. It wasn’t like I’d totally lost the strength I’d always felt in being alone. And as an eighteen-year-old mom with no idea of what to do next, I could definitely benefit from having the space to think for myself and focus on stabilizing my life.
    Before I got pregnant I’d planned on culinary school, but so much for that. One of the first things anyone in the restaurant industry tells you is that it’s impossible to establish yourself without dedicating loads of time to work. It’s a notoriously difficult career to balance with a family life, and so it was out of the question for me. I wasn’t going to devote all my nights and weekends to work now that I had Bentley. It was that simple.
    With that plan off the menu, I wasn’t sure what I really wanted do next in terms of a career. But I felt a strong desire to take forward steps, so back when Ryan and I were still together, I enrolled in college for a general business dream. I had particular passion for business. I was just doing it because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. And everyone knows that if you don’t know what to study, that’s the one to go for.
    I spent my first semester on campus. I went to school, showed up for class, then went home and did homework. It wasn’t exciting. It wasn’t like I wanted to be there, and I wasn’t taking classes I enjoyed. I was just going and taking my requisites, then going home. My mom had started working from home so she could take care of Bentley while I was at school. I felt bad about it. I knew it wasn’t her responsibility to care for my child all day while she was doing her work, too. I felt like I was pawning him off on her. And frankly, I hated being away from him. At the same time, I was generally exhausted from being up all night with him. With my complete lack of interest and enthusiasm for school, my fatigue, and my desire to be with Bentley, it was only a matter of time before the whole college effort fizzled. After a month and a half I dropped my classes to avoid failing.
    I knew I would go back to school, but I wanted to find something I was interested in before I tried to go back. Instead of going to class, I spent that spring and summer working for my dad and taking care of Bentley. Most of my days consisted of spending time with my baby, doing nothing. After awhile, I started to feel like a loser for dropping out. I criticized myself for the decision, wondering if I hadn’t tried hard enough, if I was just making excuses. A baby is a lot of work, but you can still accomplish things. Knowing how important it was to get a degree, I should have stuck it out. I was claiming I was busy, but I could have done online courses from home. And I had the privilege of working for my dad and having control over my schedule.
    But emotionally, and mentally, I just wasn’t there. I was overwhelmed by everything I’d gone through since I found out I was pregnant. There was no way for me to succeed in school when I wasn’t able to mentally check in. So I settled into a safer routine. It was all I could do until I came up with a better plan.
     
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    Before I met Ryan, I was happy without a boyfriend. I enjoyed being on my own and avoiding the drama that came with relationships. But my sense of independence was only part of the story. It’s possible that my lack of interest in romance may have been influenced by a relationship I already had in my life. And once again, it had something to do with motocross.
    My brother and I grew up riding dirt bikes and racing, although he was much more serious about it than I was. The more serious you are about racing and competing, the more