Free Bulletproof by Maci Bookout

with him, but in terms of pouring so much of my energy into saving a doomed relationship. I didn’t have to worry about what he was doing anymore. I didn’t have to worry about asking him for help and dealing with his anger. I didn’t have to worry if we got along at all. I was glad to be back in the light after spending so long in that tunnel of anger and sadness.
    But the bad stuff didn’t all disappear. Some of it just evolved. Even though he and I were completely over each other, we were still connected in one obvious way. Because we had a child together, there was no chance of having a normal breakup, closing the book and never looking back. We would still have to talk about Bentley and where he’d be each day, or, as it turned out, each weekend. Even after breaking up, that was one huge argument that refused to die. When I thought Bentley was going to visit his father for the weekend, I would sometimes make my own plans to visit friends or have a night or two to myself. But when I’d take Bentley to his grandparents’ house, his father was never there.
    It was infuriating for two reasons. First, because Ryan wasn’t appreciating the chance to spend time with him. Second, because that left me feeling guilty about doing my own thing. If Bentley was supposed to be with his dad and then his dad didn’t show, it didn’t feel right to just leave the little guy in the care of his grandparents. And it hurt to see him being stood up over and over. The only comfort was that he was too young to realize it. But it drove me crazy to see the days going by, Bentley getting older and growing up, and no progress being made in his relationship with his father. I couldn’t understand what I was witnessing.
    I tried not to fight what I couldn’t change, but I felt so helpless and frustrated at times I wanted to rip my hair out. That was the hardest part of the breakup. I’d withdrawn myself from the relationship, but Bentley couldn’t. And so Bentley’s father’s bad behavior didn’t affect me on a relationship level anymore, but it hit me on a protective parenting level. That turned out to be way worse.
    I wasn’t afraid of being single. But I was afraid of being on the journey of parenthood alone and the battle that it was sure to become. And for the first time in my life, I found myself horribly lonely. I was supposed to be good at letting go of negative feelings, but it wasn’t as easy to distract myself anymore. If I’d been a “normal” eighteen year old girl, I would have called up some friends to go out and do something. But I had a kid to take care of. I couldn’t just go out every weekend or random nights and have fun all the time. And I accepted that. I still enjoyed being a mom, and I loved being around Bentley more than anything. But your baby can’t be your only company, and when he was asleep, I was on my own with the TV again.
    What was I going to do? I didn’t want Ryan back, and I wasn’t desperate for the next romance. It wasn’t about that. It was my feeling of being isolated from the rest of the world, like this new life of mine was taking place on a deserted island. Sometimes those lonely nights seemed endless.

CHAPTER 10:
    THIS YEAR HAS BEEN A TEST
     
    this year has been a test for me
    and through all the times of betrayal
    i lost the person i used to be
     
    i sold her to the people around
    because my effort was spent on loyalty
    maybe i let her run away
     
    i miss the girl i used to be
    or maybe i forgot to please her
    in the midst of all the royalty
     
    everything i have to give is gone
    is this the payback I’m supposed to see
    but what if I’m not to blame
     
    i don’t know who i’m supposed to be
    was i supposed to fall apart like this
    without a root there is no tree

CHAPTER 11:
    DISTANCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER
     
    When friends and family heard I was single again, they were surprised by the suddenness of it. Or, at least, what might have seemed like suddenness from the