Free The Perfect Emotion by Melissa Rolka Page A

order to move forward. He told me that I should not even start talking to Reed until I was ready to be open and honest with him. I have to get this out first. “I took advantage of you. I was desperate to feel good, to avoid dealing with the bigger issues in my life and to just escape. I was selfish and greedy. I didn’t even care either because I just wanted the relief so badly.” I’m practically yelling now. He needs to know and the thought that he’ll just walk away now that he knows is painful, but well deserved. “Don’t you get it, what I did to you, I used you Reed. I was selfish and greedy. I needed to get lost in something good, away from Kyle, my mom and I used what you had to offer. I took advantage of you in the worst way possible.”  The words leave my mouth faster than I ever thought was possible.  I’ve lost all tactfulness and as I pause here now I feel the burden being lifted from my chest.  I press my eyes closed tightly again and the tears slip past my eyelashes down my cold cheeks.
    “You don’t think I know that, fuck, Kate.  I know that.  I’ve done it myself before.  Never again, though.  And this is different and you know it.  I told you though I’d take what I could get of you.  I just wanted to be with you.  I think I’d have done anything to be closer to you.”  I’m still turned from him and I can feel him getting a little closer by the echo of his voice.
    “And now?”  Daringly I ask, but I’m afraid of the answer.
    “Yes and now.”  I hear Reed’s footsteps behind me getting closer.  Then he wraps his arms around my abdomen from behind and presses his face in the crook of my neck.  His breathing is hot on me and the way his lips move up brushing my ear causes me to arch my back. 
    “You don’t understand tho-.”  He cuts me off gently.
    “I do understand.  Trust me, I more than most get what it’s like to want to use someone to escape something else.  I’ve done it before, numerous times.”  I remember the fact that he has way more experience than me and it hurts for a brief second.  “But never with you.  Never.” 
    “You were there for me and then I just took advantage of you.  I’ve never done that before and I still feel horrible.  I just, I just… I can’t do this.”  I’m trying to hide the quiver and trembling burning up my throat and the tears that keep leaking down my face.
    “I’ve been waiting for you,” he whispers.
    “I never asked you to,” I say with little conviction. 
    “And yet, here I am.” I slowly turn myself into him and bury my face in his chest. Even through his coat I can smell that familiar pine and masculine scent.
    “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”  I sob uncontrollably for a moment.  “I was so hurt and twisted, but it’s no excuse for taking advantage of you like that. That’s not even the worst part… the worst is I cared about you. I still care about you.” His arms are wrapped around me tightly and then he kisses the top of my head. That one gesture has me leaning in more and my body goes weak craving more from him.  I pull myself back though instead because I don’t want him to think that I would do that to him again. I know I have a long way to go in my therapy, but I’ve come so far already.  Being able to say the things that are in my head out loud to him is a huge step in the right direction.  My therapist is right too because I already feel lighter.  I’m not even sure what this means for us, but if there is any more to this then I know I still have more to tell him.
    “Hey, hey, it’s ok, beautiful.  Don’t you think for one minute I did anything that I didn’t want to do.  Katherine, I told you I just wanted to be closer to you, any part of you.  That I’d take whatever I could get.  I knew what that meant.  I had never felt this way before… I still haven’t.”
    “I owed you more than that though.” I tell him this because it’s true and it’s all