Free Missing Hart by Ella Fox Page A

in an urn that’s fine. If you would rather scatter my ashes, that’s fine too. In the end, it doesn’t really matter where that physical portion of me winds up. You don’t need a headstone or an urn to connect with me, because I’ll always be with you.
    My final request is that you post no obituary for me. Other than the staff at the bookstore, Dillon’s work friends and my therapist, there is no one else that I feel needs to know. More importantly, I never want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that he got what he always wanted.
    I know the three of you will each blame yourselves for my actions, but you need to accept the reality that this was my choice. I know it will hurt, I know it will be a shock and I know it’s selfish of me to go. But the truth is, I’m not afraid anymore, and I never have to be afraid again. What lies ahead of me is peace, which is all I’ve ever wanted. In time I hope you can remember the good times that we had, and that you can forgive me for choosing to end my suffering. I love you three more than I can say.
    I stayed as long as I could. My letters to each of you will explain better, but I know you may not be up for reading them now. Just know that nothing any of you did could have changed this outcome. This was all me.
    Live your lives to the fullest and be happy. I’ll be a peaceful angel watching over you now~ happy and free.
    Love Always,
    Marissa
    It took strength I didn’t think I had to read the entire letter out loud to Dillon and Leah, and as I finished I felt like I’d just woken up in the hospital after a ten car wreck. Although I was certain that Marissa had meant for the letter to be positive, it was devastating. How had she gotten so far away from life in her mind that death seemed the better alternative? What had happened to the girl that told me that our lives were a reflection of our thoughts?
    The idea that she had been lying to me the entire time was gut wrenching. Was I doomed to live a half-life, unable to be touched? I’d never contemplated suicide before but now I had to wonder; over time, would my inability to be physical with someone lead to a depression that would claim me? The idea terrified me.
    Each of us seemed to retreat within after I finished reading, which was clearly because the whole situation was so horrifyingly overwhelming. I’m not sure how long we sat there in silence before Dillon spoke, announcing that Leah and I both needed to get some sleep. It was a relief that it was assumed that I would spend the night as well because there was no way I could go home in my current condition. It would send up red flags all over the place to my family.
    “I don’t think any of us are capable of going into Marissa’s room again and no one wants to sleep with Lee in the guest room because she’s a kicker. You can crash in my bed, and I’ll take the couch.”
    I protested immediately.
    “Dillon, that’s ridiculous. I’m at least a foot shorter than you-the couch would be a much more comfortable fit for my size than yours.”
    “No… Minnie… I need different. Does that make sense? I don’t even know. I can’t explain it, but I just can’t sleep where I slept last night, back when I thought that maybe everything was going to be okay. It will make me feel better to know that you and Lee are both comfortable.”
    Naturally I acquiesced. I could understand needing space and wanting something different. Leah lent me a pair of pajamas that made all of us crack a smile for the first time in hours since I had to fold the legs up a ton to even be able to walk in them. Leah was tall where I was petite, so sharing clothes wasn’t something we would ever be able to do regularly.
    I was beyond sad when I finally got into Dillon’s bed to try to sleep. I couldn’t imagine sleeping, mostly because I was freaked out by the idea that Marissa was gone and I would never speak to her again.
    How many long talks had we had? How many secrets had I confided