Free SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

to know” basis. While you should certainly tell a new lover about it before your relationship with them gets too deep, I see no major reason to mention it to anybody else. Indeed, talking about it with someone you don’t usually talk about other aspects of your sex life with raises consensuality issues. Your lovers need to know, and it shouldn’t be something you need to keep a dark secret from your closest friends, but I see no reason to mention this (in great detail, anyway) with your parents, children, co-workers, casual friends, and so forth. In fact, doing so could cause serious real-world problems.
    Also, regarding your kids, be sure to keep your SM gear, videos, magazines, and all other “adult” material out of their reach. This usually means keeping these items under lock and key, just as you should with insecticides, caustic chemicals, medications, and firearms. (And be sure to buy good quality locks. Kids have nimble fingers and nimble minds.) Many SM people who are also parents keep footlockers, locking cabinets, and similar items in their solidly locked bedrooms.
    Be sure to keep your adult materials away from your kids, especially if you leave the older kids in the house without your supervision. I know of a case in which a woman nearly lost custody of her son because he played an adult video (that she had accidentally left out) for a friend while she was away. When her son’s friend told his parents about it, a “shitstorm” of major proportions erupted, with the local newspapers gleefully reporting every detail.
    Regarding who you should tell, a few exceptions exist. You might need to alert your neighbors that “certain sounds” may occasionally come from your home. As one submissive lady told her new downstairs neighbors, “It may sometimes sound like I’m being murdered up here, but unless you hear this (three hard, sharp thumps on the floor, perhaps repeated after a short pause), don’t worry about it. I’m all right.”
    If you have a non-kinky roommate, you should certainly tell them to be concerned but not freaked out if they come home unexpectedly and find you naked and hog-tied on the living room floor. Ask them to check in with you briefly before they start yelling for the cops (or, worse yet, attacking your partner).
Vanilla people can do their best to accommodate your desires, but it never quite works - they just don’t get it.
     
    Be careful about telling physicians, psychotherapists, police officers, social workers, and other health care or legal professionals about your interest in SM. Again, it’s far from widely understood. They may conclude that you are either being abused or are a dangerous person, and there maybe mandatory reporting laws involved here, particularly if you are a parent. Unless you’re certain that your healers are “SM-positive,” keep quiet and find other healers. (By the way, the SM community is saturated with health care professionals, so this shouldn’t be all that difficult. Author/educator Race Bannon maintains a list of “Kink-Aware Professionals”; contact information can be found in the back of this book. Your local SM club may also be able to help.)
    The basic principle here is that SM is still widely misunderstood. I usually didn’t tell anyone about this aspect of myself unless (1) there was some particular reason that they needed to know about it and, (2) I was prepared to spend some time with them (usually at least an hour) explaining what I meant. It’s helpful to have some credible printed material to help explain. This book may help.
    Keep in mind that once you’ve told them, then whatever is going to happen willhappen, so think about it carefully. Remember this fundamental truth: You can’t untell .

Definitions
     
    The following section is, necessarily, a bit “academic,” so please bear with me.
     
    SM defined in one sentence. SM is the use of psychological dominance and submission, and/or physical bondage, and/or pain,