Free Caught in Transition by Virginia May Page A

Sheelagh.

    We had a lovely drive home and had time to stop at an outlet mall. I enjoyed shopping with Sheelagh instead of having her just sit in the car and read, which is what happened before her transition. I find it ’ s nicer to shop together because I loved helping her pick out clothes and seeing her excitement when something fit and looked amazing. We both were able to find a few things and enjoyed the sunny ride home.

    Emotions

    With each passing day I was finding handling Sheelagh ’ s emotions easier. I still found her reactions to things peculiarly disconcerting. I had grown used to the calm, rational Zen-like responses that were typical of her before she began transitioning. Now I was finding that Sheelagh could be quick to react and respond to me the way I did to her. She was a quick study in learned behaviour, mine.  

    Sheelagh spent a lot of time feeling bad about past transgressions and past problems. As far as I was concerned the past is in the past and you can ’ t change anything so why dwell on it. Perhaps she was trying to get things in perspective or just getting used to being a woman, I ’ m just not sure.  

    The one thing I noticed was that Sheelagh was more talkative after her transition than she had been before it. One night after copious amounts of wine Sheelagh told me she might want to have GRS (Genital Reconstruction Surgery). I think she wanted or expected me to just say okay go for it, but I just couldn ’ t do that. Obviously I wanted her to be happy but I didn ’ t think that would make me happy.  

    I knew our sex life was hit or miss when it came to orgasms for her, but I wasn ’ t willing to compromise any further. I told her all of this and with the late hour coupled with the wine, the discussion quickly escalated into an argument. I remember her saying, “ Fuck you! ” and then she stormed up to our room. I followed her and laid behind her on the bed and grabbed her in a hug and held her until she settled down.  

    After she fell asleep I laid there wondering where my life was going to go from here. If she went through with the operation and we both hated our sex life, and ended up resenting each other, then maybe things would be over between us. If I could continue to roll with the punches we would both be okay.
     
    I love Sheelagh. It ’ s something visceral that I feel deep down inside. I never felt this type of connection with my first husband. I guess that ’ s why this whole thing made me feel so sad, it was a big snowball that just kept on rolling and picking up speed and kept getting bigger. I loved our plans for the future and I ’ d just got my glass studio set up the way I liked it, but if I had to leave I would. I would just pack everything up and move back to St. Catharines where my family lived.  

    My heart would be broken – all I wanted was for Sheelagh to love me as much as I loved her – that ’ s not asking for the moon or maybe it was, I don ’ t know anymore. I know she had to be true to herself, but I also knew that for our relationship to work we both had to be happy. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, so was this to push me away and encourage me to return to St. Catharines or was it to increase my patience and empathy – I ’ m still not really sure of the answer.  
     
    One night I heard the coyotes and they sounded so forlorn out there. I no longer felt hopeless or helpless, but I did feel a bit forlorn. I hoped Sheelagh could just be happy without GRS. I don ’ t know how I would relate to her sexually if she had the operation. I have heard that the amount of healing and aftercare is huge with that type of surgery and in the end would it make her happier? Did she feel driven to have GRS so she wouldn ’ t feel at odds within herself? I can ’ t even begin to think what that must feel like, but the ball was in her court and I just had to play the wait and see game.
     
    It was the middle of May and Sissy wanted a