Free Spiritual Care: A Guide for Caregivers by Judith Allen Shelly Page B

"but I always feel worse after she visits. She
tells me all about her own health problems and past operations,
and she warns me of every complication that can happen. Please
don't let her come again!"
    Compassionate presence is more than just showing up at the
bedside when a person is sick. It requires us to relate to others as
individuals, person to person, without benefit of props. It is being
with rather than doing for. It involves listening carefully to someone
who is suffering and responding appropriately to their concerns.
To do so we must be willing to become vulnerable and committed
to the other person, rather than rattling on about our own opinions and experiences. It requires humility-admitting that we don't know all the answers-rather than coming as an authority.
It is not an easy task, for it demands giving of ourselves to others,
a task that may leave us feeling drained.

    Active listening, empathy, vulnerability, humility and commitment comprise the basic skills we must learn through faith, education and practice. Jesus demonstrated all of these skills in his
ministry, as described in the Gospel accounts. Paul summarizes
these attributes in practical terms: "Rejoice with those who
rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one
another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not
claim to be wiser than you are" (Rom 12:15-16).
    The ability to offer compassionate presence to others comes from
our faith in God. The first step toward developing a caring presence
is to maintain a strong devotional life so that we have something to
offer to those in spiritual need. The Holy Spirit working through us
will bring comfort and strength to others, but we have to step aside
to allow him to work through us. We are constantly tempted to jay
something or to have ready answers to hard questions. Reciting
Romans 8:28 ("All things work together for good for those who love
God') or telling someone that some sin in their life is causing their
problem simply doesn't help. Our role is to set the stage for God to
work in a person's life, not to fix the problem.
    Faith prepares us for ministry to others, but we also need to
learn the specific skills of active listening, empathy, vulnerability,
humility and commitment. Furthermore, it will take practice
before those skills become second nature. Rosalie, the church visitor in the opening story, had faith, but she lacked the skills to support others in their suffering.
Listening
    Listening is an acquired skill. It involves hearing and understand ing not only what people are saying but also what they are afraid
to say. Careful listening enables you to perceive some of the reasons behind another's verbal and nonverbal communication.

    At times unconscious barriers may cause us to use selective listening-hearing only what we feel equipped to handle. As we become
aware of these barriers (see figure 2), we can begin to overcome
them and hear what others are really saying.
    Figure 2. Barriers to listening
    Word meanings may be a barrier to hearing a person's expression
of spiritual needs. Each Christian tradition has a unique vocabulary for describing important aspects of faith and practice. For
instance, the terms describing a person's faith relationship with
God may differ. "Accepting Christ," "becoming a believer," "getting saved," "being born again," "being baptized" and "awakening
to new life in Christ" may seem synonymous to some people; to
others only one of those terms may be acceptable. The word spirituality itself may mean many different things. Lingo may be a convenient shortcut in communication, but only if you are sure a term
means the same thing to the other person as it does to you.
    For example, Joann felt alone and afraid when she was admitted to the hospital for tests. However, she felt a flood of relief when she saw a gold cross on her nurse's lapel. She asked the
nurse tentatively if she was a Christian. "Yes!"