Free The Housewife Assassin's Handbook by Josie Brown

so riled that I sit straight up. So, he wants it rough? Wait until I pull out the Taser I’ve stashed under the mattress…
    Then it hits me: “Wait, start over. What do you mean, ‘welcoming you to the family?’ Just who are you, anyway?”
    “I’m Jack Craig—”
    The name sounds familiar. Where have I heard it…?
    Now I remember! What is it that they call him on the spook loops? Oh, yeah: Wild Card Jack. The agent known to shirk protocol whenever it suits him; to bend the rules according to his whims. He’s not above going rogue when the impulse hits—
    Especially if there’s a woman around to impress.
    “—but you can call me ‘Carl darling.’ That’s my new alias.”
    I can’t believe my ears. “The mission calls for you to pretend to be my husband? No! No way in Hell—”
    “Look lady, don’t shoot the messenger. It was Ryan’s idea. I told him it was crazy, too.” He shrugs. “No one in their right mind would believe I’d be attracted to someone like you—”
    “Oh yeah?...What’s wrong with me anyway?”
    “Well to be honest, you’re not exactly my type.”
    I’m trying hard not to snicker. “Considering what I’ve heard about your ‘type,’ I’ll take that as a compliment.”
    “What’s that supposed to mean?”
    “Your reputation precedes you, too—or haven’t you noticed that Wikipedia uses your photo beside the definition of ‘man-ho.’”
    “You see? This is exactly what I told Ryan. You’re one of those women who have no self-control. You’ll just fly off the handle, mission be damned. Being saddled with you would just tie me down.” 
    “You’ve got some nerve, saying that to me!” I reach for the phone. “I’m calling Ryan right now.”
    “Fine by me. If we’re going to take down the Quorum, I’ll need a swallow who doesn’t carry around her emotional baggage like a third boob—”
    “Third boob? Why you… Wait! The Quorum? What’s that got to do with you?”
    A brow raises just as the smirk hits his lips. “What, you haven’t had time to read the directive? I presume Abu handed it off to you at the ice cream truck." He scrutinizes my backside critically. “I would have guessed you’d have torn into it before you even got into that mommy mobile they’ve saddled you with. From the looks of things, you’re not opposed to a sugar fix every now and then.”
    “How dare you!”
    “Just teasing. Look, it’s not as if you’re a total heifer but a little toning up wouldn’t hurt. Might get rid of those love handles.” He has the audacity to put his hands on my hips.
    When I try to slap them away, he smiles, but he doesn’t let go. Instead he nudges me closer, as if we’re playing some sort of game, until I’m right up against his rock hard abdomen—
    And it’s not the only thing that’s hard—
    “You know what they say: sex is the best exercise,” he coaxes seductively. “Since we’ve got to play house anyway, might as well enjoy the fringe benefits, right? Hey, I won’t even mind if you close your eyes and call me Carl—”
    My punch to his jaw has him reeling backward, into the wall. “Dream on, you son of a bitch. Just to let you know: you’re not half the man Carl was.”
    He grimaces as he rubs his jaw. “Just trying to do my conjugal duty.”
    “Get dressed. And make it snappy. I want to get this meeting with Ryan over pronto. I’ve got to be home before eight, to put Trisha to bed.”
    “Speaking of beds, do you like the right side, or the left? For that matter, are you a top or a bottom? Not that I’m partial, either way—”
    To shut him up, I toss his clothes at him.
    As he grabs for them, his towel drops to the floor and I’m given a full-on view as to what all the spook loop fuss is about—
    Wow.
    Okay, I’m wrong. He’s got at least one thing in common with Carl.
    To hide my shock and awe, I turn and walk out of the room, slamming the door behind me. 
    Even from the bottom of the stairway I can hear him