Free Call the Midlife by Chris Evans Page A

factor in our lives the older, saggier, baggier, and generally LESS BOTHERED we become.
    The problem is that sometimes, as we become less bothered about something, we become more conscious of the fact it never existed in the first place.
    Whereas when we first have sex with someone new, it just flows, it just happens, it just is. And isn’t it wonderful? New sex is scary and exciting and naughty. New sex is like magic, it can make us feel older when we’re young and younger when we’re older. It liberates us from many of our inhibitions.
    As our relationships develop, sex evolves into serving different purposes. To procreate, to help us tell each other we’re still in love where words aren’t enough, to heal wounds or to build bridges, or as a naughty treat. Sex also informs trust. But whichever way we look at it, all the time sex begins to take on all these different meanings, one thing is constantly happening – the sex brakes are gently being squeezed more and more.
    The biggest brake for women being childbirth. And who can blame them? Their bodies have just created another human being. The shutters on the shop window are battened down, the factory’s in full swing: why are we whimpering males at all surprised when whispers of ‘Any chance of a quickie?’ are met with the death stare to end all death stares? Considering what their bodies and psyches have just been through, frankly, I’m surprised women ever let us near them again.
    Here’s my dilemma, though.
    Why do a lot of us blokes carp on when our partners put up the ‘closed for business’ sign? This is the thing that befuddles me. We live in a perfectly full world, too full to even begin to tap the potential of opportunities and possibilities out there. Yet we obsess and fret about something as temporarily irrelevant, unreasonable and unavailable as sex when it’s no longer on the table, at least for the time being.
    Basic human need?
    No, I’m not having that.
    I think the real reason a lot of men get hot under the collar about a sudden or gradual dearth of skin-on-skin with their partner is because it represents a sea-change in the domestic world order.
    Similar to when our mums and partners used to think we were hilarious, the kings of comedy and now just say things like,
    ‘Oh don’t be so stupid.’
    ‘Take no notice of him, he’s trying to be funny.’
    We haven’t changed our act but the audience has moved on.
    Our craving for sex isn’t a genuine physical need, it’s a cry for help, for attention and recognition that we might still be part of the scenario in some small but significant way. Nothing at all to do with Dr Saveloy and his meat injection. Yet still we delude ourselves, some poor souls to the extent that they risk everything by going in search of a shag elsewhere.
    BIG mistake of course.
    To paraphrase Paul Newman: why sneak out for a cheeseburger when there’s a prime rib waiting at home?
    Having an affair is another example of perfectly sane human beings going perfectly insane of their own accord.
    Even if you can cope with the stress of spinning all the plates and remembering in which order each one might come crashing to the ground, what if you get found out? You stand to lose everything: your house, your life, your family, your wife, everything you’ve ever worked for and everything that IS YOU.
    This is stupidity on a colossal scale, yet people convince themselves it’s their only viable option. What about the guy who has completely given up on any intimacy with his wife but can’t bear toconfront the situation and goes for the permanent mistress route instead? Thus perpetuating constant unhappiness at home masked by serial infidelity playing away.
    He spends every waking moment deluding himself that he’s having his cake and eating it, while so conflicted inside that he’s only ever one misdial away from a coronary. I’ve seen trapped flies apply more sensible logic.
    Sure, there will be fleeting moments where he