Free Call the Midlife by Chris Evans Page B

feels safe and warm and secure. But only like a heroin addict, hoping the initial hit’s going to last forever and no one’s going to get hurt in the crossfire.
    And what about the guy I know whose wife came out of the other side of mummydom to triumphantly reclaim her womanhood, hitting the gym and ending up hotter than the devil’s griddle pan. But STILL denying access all areas in the bedroom department? She’d never looked more alluring but this time she was doing it all just for her, or for the world in general, but definitely not for her old man at home.
    Not that she imposed a complete ban; the odd intimate moments were permissible. But that’s almost worse. Sometimes it’s more bearable to leave the switch in the off position than flick it on every now and again to confirm what you’re missing.
    This is how he eventually handled the situation. Once he and his ego had gotten over the sex desert hurdle, his life changed dramatically for the better. He stopped worrying about it, reclaimed the erstwhile contaminated and obsessed head space, and applied himself instead to passions other than those of the flesh.
    One of which was a quest to physically identify each one of Britain’s fifty-nine species of butterfly. At the last count he’d been and tracked down at least twenty-three.
    In the meantime the company he owns has doubled in size and value, he’s the fittest he’s ever been, and he now assures me that whenever he and his wife do get it on, she couldn’t be any more accommodating.
    Once again the Chinese have it.
    LESS IS MORE.
    Top Ten Positive Things Men Do in Place of Having to Deal with the Meaning of Life:
10
Sail.
9
DIY.
8
Grow vegetables.
7
Tinker in shed.
6
Tinker in garage.
5
Run.
4
Golf.
3
Fish.
2
Cycle.
1
Watch any/all of the above on television.
    The Sex Therapist
    Off I skipped off on my merry way to Harley Street to spend a very pleasant and enlightening afternoon in the company of a relationship and sex therapist by the name of Michelle Bassam.
    ‘Oh no,’ I thought immediately. ‘Please God, don’t let me say bosom instead of Bassam.’
    We were meeting to talk turkey about sex. Bosoms are big when it comes to sex. Big bouncing bosoms were suddenly all I could think about. Don’t mention the war! What war?
    Aaarrrggghhh.
    Michelle’s surgery is located in one of the huge period terraces that line the most famous physician’s street in the world. Only Britain has such streets, something we should be forever proud of.
    I am asked to wait in reception until the smiling sun that is Michelle fairly bowls out to meet me. I’ve never talked to a stranger about sex before, not sober at least. I won’t deny I am more than a little excited – in fact I can’t wait.
    Michelle is tanned and glowing, a blonde bundle of ‘So tell me, what would you like to know?’ Dressed head to toe in white, trousersand a vest, she invites me to sit opposite her, but at a slight angle, her left to my right, all for a reason I’m not sure of. The pair of soft, welcoming, sumptuous, brown leather armchairs perfect for the candid conversation we were about to embark upon.
    So who comes to see her?
    Actually more men than women, although it’s quite close and getting closer since Fifty Shades of Grey .
    ‘Oh yes, Fifty Shades has had a marked effect on awaking a previously sexually dormant section of female demographic. Masses of women have suddenly woken up to what they might be missing out on or forgotten was possible. It doesn’t take much. All that fun and the naughtiness.’
    Michelle tells me that this is not a new phenomenon.
    ‘The kind of stuff Jackie Collins used to spoon-feed previous generations was fantastic for people’s sex lives. Once we know something’s there, we’re all keen to tune in. As a result of Fifty Shades thousands of UK women are now crying out for sex like never before.’
    Is it the same for men?
    ‘Sadly no, not really. Most men I see are caught in a ménage à trois