Free Devoted by Jennifer Mathieu Page B

bedroom today.
    We all take our seats, adjusting our skirts and crossing our legs at the ankles. Donna Lufkin is seated next to me. She recently started courting a boy whose family lives outside Healy, about an hour away. I’m sure we’ll be celebrating her wedding day soon and witnessing their very first kiss, which they’re saving for marriage. My future husband looms in my mind again, a masculine figure roaming the planet somewhere, seeking me out. I can never picture a face, just a body that’s bigger than mine and a voice that reminds me of my father’s.
    â€œLet’s pray, shall we?” says Mrs. Garrett, the pastor’s wife. Her voice is like honey, smooth and comforting. “Father God, we thank you for everyone gathered here this evening, and we surrender ourselves and ask you to come by your Holy Spirit and inspire our hearts tonight. Come fill our fellowship with your truth and grace, and fill this meeting with your presence. In Christ’s name, we pray.”
    â€œAmen,” we all say in unison.
    Faith and Mrs. Garrett lead the meeting. Donna talks about how courting instead of dating helps her remain modest because she and the boy she is courting are always with a chaperone.
    â€œIt helps me remember that everything I do needs to be for the glory of God and not the praises of man,” Donna says. We all nod.
    Another girl talks about how she posts a checklist on the bedroom mirror she shares with her sisters so they can help each other dress modestly each morning. Does a loose-fitting blouse show too much if she bends over? Does a purse strap cut into her chest and accentuate her body in a way that might be a stumbling block for a man who sees her? If arms are raised is too much midriff revealed?
    Mrs. Garrett nods her head approvingly as each item on the checklist is discussed. She even asks if copies could be made of the checklist so we could each have one. “We must remember that it is up to us to help men resist temptation,” she reminds us. “We want our clothing to reveal a humble heart that loves the Lord and nothing more.”
    It must be so hard to be a man. Whenever we go to the grocery store, worldly women are everywhere, their tight shorts cutting into flesh and low-cut tops revealing too much. My mind flashes on the picture of Lauren Sullivan and her black bra straps peeking out in the picture on her blog. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to unsee it.
    So much of a man’s godly path is dependent on me and what I choose to wear, and the responsibility terrifies me sometimes. I know the men in the congregation sometimes have workshops where they talk about how to overcome what Pastor Garrett calls a prison of lust. I wonder what that kind of lust feels like. At the women’s workshops, we never talk about controlling our lust—I guess because women don’t really feel lust. But then I remember the way my heart beat quickly when I read the scene in A Wrinkle in Time where Meg and Calvin take a nighttime walk. Was I feeling lust? How do I control it? I feel my brow furrowing with worry.
    â€œRachel?”
    I blink, aware that someone is talking to me.
    â€œYes?”
    A few of the other girls grin just slightly, and Ruth shuffles her feet and looks down. Clearly, I’ve missed something.
    â€œRachel,” Faith says, smile even, her voice coated in practiced patience. “I asked you to tell us about the other morning when I was at your house? I thought it would be a wonderful way to illustrate how important vigilance is when it comes to biblical femininity.”
    So many eyes are on me. Curious eyes. Eyes that are already judging me even though I haven’t opened my mouth. My ears start buzzing, and my cheeks are so hot they hurt.
    â€œOh,” I say, curling my fingers around the bottom of my chair. Lord, help me speak . “Yes. Um. The other morning, Faith helped me to realize that my, um, undergarments could be