Free Wilt in Nowhere by Tom Sharpe

Obscene Material under the Act as well. You were a witness to

    everything that occurred. And there is another matter, possibly a more serious

    one.’
    Mrs Rottecombe crossed to her Volvo and followed the police cars to the police

    station in Oston in a state of controlled fury. Bob Battleby was going to get no help

    from her.

Chapter 11
    ‘You’re not going to like this, Flint,’ Superintendent Hodge of the Drug Squad in

    Ipford said with all the glee of a man who was finally being proved right, and that at the

    expense of a man he thoroughly disliked. He settled his backside on the edge of

    Inspector Flint’s desk to emphasise the point.
    ‘Don’t see how I am,’ said Flint. ‘Don’t tell me they’re putting you back on the beat. I

    mean, that would really hurt me.’
    The Superintendent smiled nastily. ‘Remember what you told me about Wilt not being

    into drugs? Said the blighter wasn’t that sort. Well, I’ve got news for you. The Drug

    Enforcement Agency in the States has faxed an inquiry on Mrs Wilt in a drug-dealing

    connection. What do you say to that?’
    ‘I’d say you’d picked up some fancy transatlantic language. Been seeing too many old

    movies, have you? The Wilt Connection. You’ve got to be joking.’
    ‘They are requesting information about Mrs Eva Wilt, address 45 Oakhurst Avenue–’
    ‘I know where the Wilts live, don’t I just,’ said Flint. ‘But if you are trying to tell me

    that Eva Wilt is into drug pushing you’re clean round the twist. That woman is a leading

    antidrug campaigner like she’s a leading campaigner for everything else from Save the

    Whales to stopping the TV cable company from digging holes along Oakhurst Avenue because

    it hurts the cherry trees and they are part of the Ipford Rainforest. Pull the other

    one.’
    Hodge ignored the crack. ‘Of course she’s a leading antidrug campaigner. Gives her

    splendid cover Stateside.’
    Inspector Flint sighed. Really, Superintendent Hodge was getting to be a bigger

    fool the more he was promoted.
    ‘Where are we now? _Kojak?_ You should watch something a bit more up to date than that old

    stuff. Not that I mind. At least I can sort of understand what you’re talking about.’
    ‘Very witty, I’m sure,’ said Hodge. ‘So if she’s so clean how come they’re asking for

    information?’
    ‘Don’t ask me what Yanks do. I’ve never understood. Anyway, what reason did they

    give?’
    ‘Presumably because they have her under suspicion,’ said Hodge and moved off the desk.

    ‘Our American confrères don’t give reasons. All they’re doing is asking. Makes you think,

    doesn’t it?’
    ‘Be nice if some people could begin to,’ said Flint when the door closed behind the

    Superintendent. ‘And what was all that confrères business about?’
    ‘I think he was just trying to show he can speak a bit of French as well as American,’

    said Sergeant Yates. ‘Though what a confrère is, I’m blowed if I know.’
    ‘Means the cunt of my brother,’ said the Inspector.
    ‘But men don’t have cunts.’
    ‘I know that, Sergeant, but try telling that to Hodge. He is one.’
    He went back to more urgent cases than Eva Wilt pushing drugs only to be interrupted

    by Sergeant Yates.
    ‘Beats me how he ever got back into the Drug Squad after he fouled up the last time.

    Promoted to Superintendent too.’
    ‘Think sex, Yates, think sex, and influence and wedding bells. Married the ugliest

    woman in Ipford like the Mayor’s sister. That’s how. I thought even you knew that. Now let

    me get on with some work.’
    ‘The slimy shit,’ said the Sergeant and left the office.
    In Wilma, Sheriff Stallard’s attitude towards the DEA agents was much the same.

    ‘They’ve got to be crazy,’ he told his Deputy over coffee in the local drugstore when

    Baxter reported that five more agents had booked into a nearby motel and that there was

    already a tap on Wally Immelmann’s phone line.