Free Letting go of Grace by Ellie Meade Page A

trunk.
    “For what it’s worth, I do love you.”
    “You don’t know what love is, Grant.”
    “After losing you, I know what it is. I’m hurting Hannah. I have all this shit going on in my life and it doesn’t matter to me. I just want you back. You are the only thing that matters.” I finally meet his eyes.
    “You never know what you have till it’s gone.” I slip into the car and start it. I glance around at all the buttons and wish he had a normal car. One I could get into and drive away quickly in. He opens my door and gives me a rundown. I am grateful because I have no idea where the windshield wipers were or the lights. After he is done he stands up and gazes longingly at me. I feel the pull even after what he did. How can that be? How can I still feel the need to be with him after I watched him with another woman? I go to put the car in drive and stop. I get out of the car and come face to face with him.
    “I hope your heart hurts as bad as mine does.”
    “It does, Hannah. Can you just hear me out?”
    “No, I don’t need to. I saw what I saw, and you can’t change that.” I study him and he doesn’t fight with me. He is going to let me walk away and I have already accepted this. He brings his hands to my face and I feel the tears prick at my eyes. I pull it together as best I can.
    “I love you and that’s not going to change.”
    “But what you did changed everything.” He kisses me and I let him, kissing him back with more urgency. He wraps his arms around me and lifts me off the ground. I bring my hands to his face and kiss him deeper. He tastes like oranges and it reminds me of the first time we kissed in the elevator. I give him the last bit of love I have for him and leave it with him. I pull away and he leans his forehead against mine.
    “Tell me we are going to be OK.” He whispers.
    “It would be a lie, Grant.”
    “What can I do?” He is almost pleading with me.
    “Nothing.” I hesitate, then decide to tell him what I really feel.
    “Learn how to love. This way when you find the right person you won’t fuck it up again.” I give him one last soft kiss and get into the car. I put it in drive and pull away. I honk when I get down the driveway and I can see him through the rearview mirror standing in the driveway watching me leave. I hope it hurts him as much as it hurts me.

IT’S TWO IN THE AFTERNOON when I get home and I decide to give Grant a courtesy text.
    I’m home and your car is in one piece.
    His response is fast.
    I wasn’t worried about the car. I was worried about you. I love you.
    I lock my phone and leave it on the kitchen counter. I let out a mirthless laugh. When I left the house on Thursday, I was so happy and excited and in love. So much has happened in the last four days. I get my suitcase to search for my trusty pills. I pop two in my mouth and head up to bed.
    I wake up to my name being called and get confused. I sit up and hear my name again.
    “I’m in bed.” I rub my face and realize it’s Kevin.
    “Are you alone?”
    “Yes, who the hell would I have in bed with me?” I lie back down and turn the TV on. It’s ten thirty as Kevin walks into my room and lies down next to me.
    “I have been calling you for days. I just came by to check on the house and I saw a car here. I called your cell, but got no answer. Whose car is that?” I roll over on my side so that I’m facing away from him.
    “I’ve been away. It’s Grant’s. I borrowed it to drive home.”
    “So you two are getting serious?”
    “Not at all.”
    “Well, you have his very expensive car, so that has to mean something.”
    “No it doesn’t. I needed to get home and it was the least expensive car in his garage for me to drive.” I start to laugh at my own words.
    “What’s going on Hannah?”
    “Nothing, I’m just tired,” I lie to him and he knows it.
    “It’s me, Hannah, you don’t have to lie to me.” I know it’s only him. He is one of the few men in my life