Free All About Me by Joanna Mazurkiewicz Page A

always knew I wanted to go to Braxton. You had talked about this a lot and I could ’ t stay away. When I decided to transfer, I did it just to be close to you.
    I waited a year for you. It took me a long twelve months to be ready to see you again. Gargle wasn ’ t my home anymore and I wanted to start over.
    Then you came along and I wanted to tell you that we could forget about the past and that I forgave you, but the anger that I ’ d been carrying for so long blinded me.
    I realise now that you tried to tell me about Christian, probably many times, but I was never willing to listen.
    I want to say I am sorry for all the pain I caused you. I want to say I am sorry I hit you with that rugby ball and that I made your life miserable in your beloved Braxton. I ’ m sorry   I made that bet with Sam about you.
    You hate me now and, yes, I humiliated you, and destroyed our love, but I want to fix this.   
    I ’ m sorry and I love you. I can repeat it over and over again.
    You are part of me, my missing soul and missing piece. Let ’ s start with friendship first. Let me show you that I ’ m not that fucked up and I can be with you without desiring you. There is still warmth left within me. You have been shining on me for most of my life. I want you to keep shining on me for years to come...
    You brightened my days. You were and are my shining star.
    I ’ m sorry.

    Oliver

    This isn ’ t the best that I can do, but it ’ s just part of my plan to gain her trust. She might look at it and throw it away, or she may throw it at my face. Either way, I ’ m sending it to her. I read it again, slide the letter inside and then lick the envelope. My palms are damp with sweat when I think about her reaction.  
    Fuck it , I say it to myself. I might have replaced her with dozens of other girls, but that doesn ’ t mean she won ’ t come back to me now. I get out of the library and push the letter into a red box. That ’ s it now; it ’ s done. India is going to read my apology. She won ’ t just forget about what happened in the restaurant and that fucking Sam. I didn ’ t take that five hundred quid from him after all. Yeah, I won the bet, but I didn ’ t want his fucking money.
    On my way home I know that it ’ s time for me to think about the past, face the years that I wasted. During my recent visit, my pathetic mother pretended that she cared after all. So now I guess it ’ s time to pay her another visit, to figure out where I went wrong. It ’ s time to go back to Gargle.
    I share my plans with Jacob; he is the only person that knows that I ’ m heading back home. I sent the letter to India on Thursday night, so she won ’ t get it until Saturday or possibly Monday. I skip a class on Friday and I ’ m heading home straight away. It looks like Jacob had a fight with Dora, because he comes home early and in a very shitty mood.
    “ Why are you in such a hurry? ” he asks, massaging the nape of his neck.
    “ I need to speak to my mother urgently, ” I say.
    “ In that case, I ’ m going with you. Dora pissed me off and I ’ d rather be busy doing something else, ” he says.
    “ Okay, great. Gargle is a shit hole, but we both can do with the break. My mother should be all right with you staying over. Besides, we can always crash with one of my mates. ”
    I start to wonder how my mother is going to react when I show up on her doorstep without a warning. I left quite abruptly after the funeral. Mum seemed upset about my father, but she was coping. After all, they were divorced, but his death was unexpected. We were never close and after I moved to Scotland, he never once called me or visited. It was like I was never his son.
    Both my parents grieved after my perfect brother. This was fucking typical. They didn ’ t even realise what kind of monster they brought to this world. I don ’ t want to think about this now, so I pack my shit and we both leave and drive to Gargle.
    “ Dora will be pissed that