Free All About Me by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

better after fixing things with her, but India ’ s pain still turns my gut every time I see her. Each day she is my only motivation to get out of bed. She drives me to keep going. I want to redeem myself from her rancour. Wherever I go, she doesn ’ t even notice me or acknowledge my presence, pretending that she is happy with Evans, taking a step forward. It ’ s been weeks since I broke up with her in the restaurant, and since then I only spoke to her twice. She kept her secret for years and lived with it, and for me it ’ s only been a few weeks. I love her and it kills me that I didn ’ t help her with the healing process.
    On Thursday night I ’ m alone in the library, trying to finish some coursework, which is a first. A few months ago my life was different. I ’ d been partying and not worrying about Uni work. Now I ’ m trying to figure out how to make her look at me again. Rumours about me are still going around campus. People say that I ’ m on a crusade to destroy Russell and India ’ s relationship, that I can ’ t let her be happy. People don ’ t know anything about me. They can say whatever they want, but I ’ ll prove to them that I ’ m worthy of her love once again.
    I take the pen in my hand and look at the white paper in front of me. Fuck! I think this is the first time I ’ ve ever written a proper letter to anyone. India doesn ’ t want to listen to me, so I ’ m going to send her a letter. Maybe I ’ ll get lucky and she ’ ll get that I understand her pain and these traumatic events that shaped her into the person that she is now.
    There are other options, but right now I can ’ t worry about what she might do with the letter once she gets it. She may tear it apart or maybe post it on Facebook just to humiliate me. Whatever she does with it, I don ’ t care as long as she reads it. I ’ m planning to be fucking honest with her. I want her to read it. Everyone who knows me is aware that this doesn ’ t happen to me very often.
    I take a few deep breaths to give myself some encouragement. Her letters were painful to read. It ripped my soul apart and when I think about her words, I want to change everything I ’ ve done in the past.

Chapter Eight
    One letter.

    Present

    Dear India,

    It ’ s better this way. I know that you don ’ t want to even look at me, but I want to tell you that you were right about me. I ’ m nothing special and it ’ s too late to take my cruelty back.
    This is my way of saying that I was a mean motherfucker and I shouldn ’ t have done what I did to anyone. No one deserves the pain that I put you through.
    I was blinded by my own ego, the desire for revenge, and by anger. You brought Christian ’ s name back, wanting to explain, but my emotions quickly overwhelmed me and I snapped.
    Yeah, there was a bet and I set it all up once you showed up in Braxton, but then things between us changed. You were there for me during my father ’ s funeral, when I needed you the most. As soon as we came back I ditched this cruel prank, told everyone that I wasn ’ t willing to go through with it any longer. I didn ’ t want to hurt you. The past few weeks that we had together were blissful. You showed me how to live and breathe again.  
    I ’ m sorry that I hurt you. This probably doesn ’ t mean anything to you, but if I could change the past, I wouldn ’ t hesitate for a second to do it.
    You were the only one that I always wanted to be with.
    I love you, but I realised this too late to take back what I said.   
    We both had fallen in love with each other that first moment at school. It was our moment and no one is ever going to take it away. You were my shining star, the only person who made sense. Even after you hated me for what my own brother did to you, you were still my star.
    I left Gargle, but I never stopped thinking about you. I went to Scotland like you probably heard, but I knew that wasn ’ t the place where I was supposed to be.
    India, I