realized something that hadn’t occurred to me before. To my parents, who had never tried to talk me out of it, my love for Frankie was safe . They’d never had to worry about me kissing boys or experimenting with sex. I’d never had my heart broken or come home crying after a particularly bad break up. I could see how they would find comfort in my loving a boy I couldn’t possibly ever have. They were okay with my futureless feelings for Frankie because those feelings protected me.
I think it’s why I was okay with those feelings as well. Loving Frankie was safe.
Huh.
I sat down, logged into Gmail, and found an excited email from Jessie. The subject line read “OMG EVER!” and I could almost hear the exclamation in Jessie’s voice as I read it. She started off by chastising me for not calling her after my date yesterday or even today.
Shoot. I hadn’t meant to forget, I’d just … not remembered. It was kind of like my issues with time. I wasn’t really great with time or remembering things. Jessie knew me well, so after the quick reprimand, she began the interrogation about last night’s date with Toby. I could just picture her face all lit up with curiosity as she wrote the email, the image made me smile. I was super excited to tell her about Toby. I began typing a response and then changed my mind. This kind of girl talk deserved a phone call. I took a sip of my soda and reached for the phone.
“That stuff will rot your teeth, Doll.”
I just about flew out of my chair.
“Shit! Frankie! What are you doing in here?”
Frankie raised his eyebrows and put a finger to his lips in an effort to quiet me. He was right of course; this would be a bad scene if my parents caught wind of it.
Geez, luckily I hadn’t been changing or something! I was somewhat irritated that he thought he could just waltz on into my room whenever he felt like it now, but I hadn’t closed the door, so I guessed it was my own fault.
I remembered what was on my computer screen and suddenly felt insanely guilty about my two dates with Toby. The last thing I wanted Frankie to see was what I’d started to write in response to Jessie before I’d thought better of it and reached for the phone. I quickly sat back down and tried to square my shoulders so they would block my computer screen.
“What are you doing in here, Frankie? Mom will have a cow !”
He just smiled at me conspiratorially, and I rolled my eyes at him, turning back around to click out of my Gmail account.
Unsure of what to say to him, I asked the first question that came to mind. “Where have you been, anyway?”
“Well whaddya know, Dollface … I was about to ask you the same question.”
I felt my face flush as I was flooded with guilt over being out with Toby. Then I remembered the kiss we’d shared, and my cheeks flamed up even more. I bet they were about as crimson as humanly possible, and I was glad to be facing the computer screen and not Frankie.
“I was out with Jessie.”
Oh boy. I never lied to Frankie. Who am I ? One minute I was allowing Frankie to join me in my bed, all the while practically naked in front of him, and the next minute I was lying to his face. What a mess.
“Out with Jessie, huh?”
In the reflection of my computer screen, I saw him tilt his head and look at me, twirling an unlit cigarette in his fingers. I felt as if he could see right through me, right into my soul. I felt like he somehow knew I was lying. I was sure my guilty conscience was to blame, but I felt it nonetheless. I may as well have branded a scarlet letter across my forehead for all the shame I’d been feeling lately. Like no matter what I tried to convince myself, or how innocent I knew I was, my heart still swore I was betraying Frankie. Stupid heart.
When he finished analyzing the back of my head, I watched his reflection in my dark computer monitor as he took a seat on the edge of the bed.
“Okay.”
Phew. I’d freaked out for nothing. I mentally