Free Christmas At Leo's - Memoirs Of A Houseboy by Gillibran Brown Page B

talk to me. I could always tell by the look on her face that you’d been up to something. The star is on the tree. Look.” She pointed. “At the bottom. You were six when you made it. You couldn’t wait to show me. You came running across the playground waving it in the air. It made me smile when I was hanging it, and sad, because this is the last year I’ll get to have that memory and all the other memories of when you were little.”
    I quickly changed the subject, asking if she was looking forward to Christmas. Frank’s mother passed away a few years ago, but him and mum still spend the day with his family. His brother’s roof had become the host roof for the annual Morrison blowout. Mum’s reply hit me like a punch.
    “We’re staying home this year. Frank thought it would be nice for us to have a quiet family Christmas together, just us with Kelly and Mike. He’s bought champagne to make it really special.”
    Jealousy burst into the room like a ninja assassin assaulting me with memories of the last ‘family’ Christmas I’d spent at home. There’d been nothing special about it. Even as I spoke I hated myself for the petty words that spilled out of my mouth. “Kelly isn’t family, not really.”
    “Frank views her as such.”
    “It’s more than he ever did for me then.”
    There was a moment of tense silence and then mum made a cautious effort to change the subject. “What are you doing for Christmas this year? You’ve probably told me, but I’ve forgotten. My memory is shocking these days.”
    I should have let the moment pass, but I couldn’t. I was too consumed with bitterness. “Do you view Kelly as family? Is she the daughter you never had and would have preferred?”
    “Of course not.” Mum’s voice sharpened. “Don’t be silly.”
    “It pisses me off the way he fawns over her. Do you remember the last Christmas I spent at home, what he did?”
    “Gilli, please, let’s not have this now.”
    “He ruined it for me on purpose. He wouldn’t do a thing for me. He didn’t have a nice word, not from the start.”
    “He did try.”
    “Only when you were around, mam. When you weren’t he’d look at me like I was something nasty. All I got was put-downs from him. She shows up out of the blue and he starts treating her like a long lost daughter.”
    “He was always better with girls than boys. He’s the same with his nieces.”
    “Shame I didn’t come out as a transsexual then. He might have treated me better. Why isn’t Kelly spending Christmas with her own family?”
    “Too far to go for one day. She has to work on Boxing Day.”
    The tense silence returned, and stayed. I got up and wandered over to the window, staring outside without seeing, fighting an absurd desire to cry. Mum’s news about staying at home for a ‘family’ Christmas had gotten under my skin in a big way. I felt rejected and something else, something so vague I couldn’t pinpoint it as a feeling. The last Christmas spent with my mother had been a horrible one, but in fact there had been nothing special about the ones before it, not after Frank came on the scene anyway.
    After he came ‘family’ Christmases were about his family, not mine. Mum had taken his surname, so she became part of his family. I was the outsider. They were Mr and Mrs Morrison and I was master Brown. You can’t feel an integral part of a family when you bear a different name to everyone else. It made me long more and more for the father I had never known, or at least couldn’t remember. I’d been too young when he died to retain any memories.
    Maybe I hadn’t given Frank a chance, but then maybe I’d sensed he didn’t want a chance. It was true what I’d said about him only making the effort when mum or other folks were around to bear witness.
    Mum broke the silence. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned Kelly. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
    “I know.” I made an effort to quash bad feelings. “It’s me who’s sorry.