Free Jaine Austen 7 - Killing Bridezilla by Laura Levine

food with all the gusto of a longshoreman at a truck stop café, Mamie nibbled at hers daintily.
    I watched with envy as she ate the succulent morsels.
    With a sigh, I began scrounging around my barren cupboards to fix something for my own 76
    Laura Levine
    dinner. I finally rustled up some mini-tuna sandwiches on Saltines. Accompanied by a side of canned beets. One of these days, I really had to stock up on staples.
    After dinner, I took Mamie for a walk. Her little nose went into overdrive, sniffing at every patch of grass and tree in sight, getting acquainted with her new neighborhood. Finally she settled on a lush patch of lawn in front of a neighboring duplex and left a poop the size of a Junior Mint. I scooped it into a baggie, although I doubted anyone would have noticed it, not without a microscope.
    Back home, I tried to interest her in her toys again, but she only had eyes for me. All she wanted was to sit in my lap and stare up at me worshipfully.
    Why couldn’t Prozac ever show me devotion like this? No wonder dog people were so crazy about their dogs.
    I tried several times to coax Prozac down from the bookshelf, but she wouldn’t budge.
    Oh, well, I told myself, as I got in bed and turned on the TV, Mamie would be gone tomorrow and Prozac would be back on the couch and eating like a sumo wrestler.
    I spent the next couple of hours watching Rear Window , with Mamie curled at my feet. When it was over, I turned out the light to go to sleep.
    But sleep didn’t come. Sleep never comes easily without Prozac nestled in the crook of my neck.
    I was just about to get out of bed and grovel for her forgiveness when she sauntered into the bedroom.
    With a single graceful leap she was on the bed.

    KILLING BRIDEZILLA
    77
    Mamie, who knew better than to try anything stupid like joining us for a lick and sniff session, stayed put at the foot of the bed.
    “Oh, Prozac. I missed you!” I took her in my arms and began stroking her. “Did you eat your mackerel guts?”
    She yawned a cavernous yawn, sending a blast of mackerel fumes in my direction.
    “I’ll take that as a yes.”
    Then we curled up together, Prozac nestled in her usual position in the crook of my neck.
    And as I felt her warm body purring against mine, I finally relaxed.
    No wonder cat people are so crazy about their cats.
    I woke up the next morning, sun streaming in my bedroom window. I checked my clock radio and saw that that it was after nine. Prozac, the little angel, had let me sleep in for a change.
    I stretched lazily in bed. The wedding wasn’t until two that afternoon and I still had the whole morning to get spiffed up.
    I intended to give myself the works: manicure, pedicure, leg wax, eyebrow pluck. I’d luxuriate in a delicious bubble bath, after which I’d blow-dry my stubborn curls to silky perfection and slip into a slinky black cocktail dress I’d bought a couple of months ago, the only item to have escaped the wrath of Lance’s Closet Makeover.
    I’d tried it on the other day, and much to my amazement it hadn’t shrunk in the closet like so much of my clothing tends to do. I could see myself at the wedding in my slinky dress, exfoliated and coiffed, my hunkalicious fiancé-for78
    Laura Levine
    hire at my side. And for the first time since this whole mess began, I had good vibes about the wedding. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a disaster after all.
    So it was with a spring in my step and hope in my heart that I got out of bed and headed for the kitchen to fix breakfast.
    And that’s where my trip to Fantasy Island came screeching to a halt.
    The first thing I saw when I walked in the kitchen was my garbage can upended, its messy contents scattered on the floor.
    The second thing I saw was Mamie rolling around in said garbage.
    Her formerly pristine white fur was dotted with bits of tuna, low-fat mayo, petrified pizza crusts, and blobs of beet juice. All of it sprinkled with a generous coating of coffee grounds. Off to the side was a