Free One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night by Christopher Brookmyre Page B

it’s gaunny be mental seein’ some o’ thae folk again.’
    ‘That’s if anybody else turns up. The pairty could be just us that’s on this bus, plus this Gavin Hutchison bugger that we cannae remember anyway. I cannae picture Matt Black comin’ back fae America just tae see us arseholes again, eh? An’ Davie Murdoch – he lives in fuckin’ New York or somewhere. He’s no gaunny be there either. No tae mention aw the wans that are in the jile.’
    ‘Ach, never mind. Free pairty, innit? Overnight stay an’ everythin’.’
    ‘Aye. Overnight stay on an
oil rig
.’
    ‘It’ll be fine, big man. It’ll be better than that, in fact. Forget the oil rig: it’s a
resort
. This guy obviously knows what he’s doin’, knows how tae make folk feel comfortable. That’s how he’s rakin’ in the millions, an’ I’m fittin’ fuckin’ wardrobes.’
----

■ 11:08 ■ fipr charter coach ■ five seats doon ■
    ‘Good guys get shot in the shoulder,’ Ally was explaining. ‘It’s the first rule of engagement for action movies. Allows that aw‐
naw‐
he’s‐
been‐
hit fright moment, renders the hero apparently vulnerable, gives everybody a quality wince, but crucially does no real harm. Headshot is obviously oot, as is the chest; leg wound limits mobility, stomach puts you on a dead‐
withoot‐
medical‐
attention timelock, and forearm is just too wimpy. Thus, the upper‐
arm‐
to‐
shoulder area gets it every time, and doesnae affect either the aiming or the punching ability of the aforementioned good guy. Bruce Willis in
Die Hard
– bullet in the shoulder courtesey of Alexander Godunov. Michael Biehn in
Terminator
, courtesy of Arnie. Linda Hamilton in
T2
.’
    ‘That was a stabbing weapon.’
    ‘True enough, but same difference. Arnie himself in
Commando
.’
    ‘Grenade blast, if I remember correctly,’ Mrs Laurence clarified. ‘But nonetheless, it
was
the shoulder.’
    ‘Indeed. Then there’s Arnie again in
Predator
. Danny Glover in
Predator 2
. Danny Glover again in
Lethal Weapon
. Carrie Fisher in
Return of the Jedi
. The golden era was, of course, your Joel Silver Eighties – I suppose that should be Silver era, shouldn’t it? – but the rules are still bein’ observed today. Nick Cage in
Con‐
Air
, Guy Pearce in
LA Confidential
, Robert De Niro in
Ronin
.’
    ‘Yes, but it goes back a long way before the Eighties. Before cinema, even. Might I offer Jim Hawkins in
Treasure Island
?’
    ‘Of course. Knife through the celluloid sweetspot on the mast of the
Hispaniola
. An’ if we’re openin’ it up to books, there’s Frodo Baggins in
Lord of the Rings
, with the added discomfort of the blade breakin’ aff an’ giein’ him the Orc equivalent of tetanus for a good two hunner pages. But it’s important to stress that this is a convention we’re talkin’ aboot, not a cliché. Admittedly, there’ an awfy fine line between the two, but good guys gettin’ shot in the shoulder is the right side of it.’
    ‘What would be a cliché, then?’
    ‘Eh, let me think. Aye. Bad guys comin’ back for one last fright. See, your hero gettin’ wounded is part of the mechanics of the story – the baddie comin’ back is just a cheap shock. Fortunately, the
Scream
movies put a bullet in the head o’ that wan. Literally.’
    Ally was well into his stride, feeling buoyed by the experience of having a sensible conversation with Mrs Laurence: it constituted valid, independent confirmation of having achieved grown‐
up status. Never mind jobs, money, wives or weans: you knew you were a man when you could contradict your former English teacher without her giving you a punishment exercise.
    Well, not that sensible a conversation, maybe, but an enjoyable one. Mrs L had surprised him by confessing her devotion to action flicks, unwittingly triggering an onslaught of Ally’s in‐
depth theses on the genre. This was something that seldom required much provocation, and under these circumstances