Free One Hundred Percent Lunar Boy by Stephen Tunney

you! Guy with goggles!”
    “Are you talking to me?” Hieronymus called back, almost shouting.
    “Yeah. Tell your sister to look over here!”
    “She’s not my sister.”
    “Whatever. Can you tap her on the shoulder?”
    “Tap her on the shoulder? What’s that supposed to mean?”
    “Just do it.”
    “What, tap her on the shoulder?”
    “Yeah.”
    “I don’t know, that’s sort of a tall order. I know for a fact that she doesn’t like to be tapped by anyone, especially me.”
    “Don’t be a rectumexit. Just do it.”
    “I’ll do it for five thousand dollars. I was originally going to charge you three thousand, but then you suggested that I’m being a rectumexit, so the price went up.”
    “Don’t make me go over there, phallic-brain.”
    “Actually, I’m trying to make you come over here so you can tap her on the shoulder yourself.”
    “I can’t go over there. No one’s allowed to leave the line. Which means your nose stays on your face for a little while longer.”
    Hieronymus paused for a second. Those threats meant nothing to him — and Pete must have thought Slue was wearing headphones to block all the noise out, for during their shouting-across-the-room conversation, two more classes came into the rotunda and the normally quiet library-like space was suddenly as noisy and chaotic as the cafeteria. Hieronymus stole a quick sideways glance at Slue — actually, she was working extremely hard to pretend she did not hear the exchange over
shoulder tapping
, pointing her face away from Pete, straining not to laugh.
    More class-sized groups of students entered.
    “Hey, shoulder-tapping guy! What the Pixie is going on?” Hieronymus sincerely asked his new nemesis. “Why are all these classes passing through the rotunda? Where are you all going?”
    Pete only gave him a disgusted smirk.
    “Go innacaws yourself, goggle boy.”
    “I’ll make you a deal,” Hieronymus said, not impressed by the big guy’s insult. “How about if you tell me what’s going on, and then I’ll tap your girlfriend here on the shoulder — I’ll even knock her headphones off so you can just speak to her directly. I’m sure she would love to hear the eloquent way you go around asking people to tap each other on the shoulder.”
    As expected, Pete had not the slightest notion Hieronymus was being sarcastic. He only followed through as if this was a serious, actual proposal.
    “It’s a school assembly. Something to do with dental hygiene. Everyone is supposed to go with their classes. Why aren’t you and Slue with your homerooms? Everyone is supposed to go. There. I told you. Now tap Slue. We’re about to leave. Tap her on the shoulder, and do it quick.”
    Hieronymus didn’t give this a moment’s thought. He turned slightly, tapped Slue on the shoulder with an exaggerated, mocking gesture that completely flew over Pete’s head, and she pretended to be surprised, pretended to take tiny objects out of her ears, pretended not to know what to expect as she swiveled herself around, pretended to be surprised, pretended to be pleased to see the larger form of Pete standing with his class, then pretended to smile in his direction as she waved. Pete waved back. Hieronymus also waved at Pete, and Pete waved at Hieronymus, and all bad feelings were instantly erased. As if they were all friends.
    “So what’s
his
name,” Hieronymus asked with slightly cruel grin.
    “That. Is. Pete.”
    “Pete? That big guy who threatened my nose is named Pete?”
    “He didn’t threaten your nose.”
    “He did.”
    “He did not. He only says things like that. He’s really very sweet…” That last word rolled of her tongue with a certain tone of regret.
    “So you know him!” Hieronymus teased.
    “No, I don’t know him.”
    “But you just said that he was very sweet! How would you know that he was sweet or not if you didn’t know him?”
    “I just know him a little bit.”
    “A little bit. Did you ever kiss him?”
    “Are