Free The Jeeves Omnibus by P. G. Wodehouse

on to the ruse or scheme.
    ‘I see what you mean. Operating under the Stoker banner, he will be free to come and go.’
    ‘Exactly.’
    ‘He can take a letter from you to her and then one from her to you and then one from you to her and then one from her to you and then one from you to her and then one …’
    ‘Yes, yes. You’ve got the idea. And in the course of this correspondence we can fix up some scheme for meeting. Have you any idea how long it takes to clear the decks for a wedding?’
    ‘I’m not sure. I believe, if you get a special licence, you can do it like a flash.’
    ‘I’ll get a special licence. Two. Three. Well, this has certainly put the butter on the spinach. I feel a new man. I’ll go and tell Jeeves at once. He can be on that yacht this evening.’
    At this point he suddenly stopped. The brow darkened once more and he shot another of those searching looks at me.
    ‘I suppose she really does love me?’
    ‘Dash it, old man, didn’t she say so?’
    ‘She said so, yes. Yes, she said so. But can you believe what a girl says?’
    ‘My dear chap!’
    ‘Well, they’re great kidders. She may have been fooling me.’
    ‘Morbid, laddie.’
    He brooded a bit.
    ‘It seemed so dashed odd that she should have let you kiss her.’
    ‘I took her by surprise.’
    ‘She could have sloshed you on the ear.’
    ‘Why? She naturally divined that the embrace was purely brotherly.’
    ‘Brotherly, eh?’
    ‘Wholly brotherly.’
    ‘Well, it may be so,’ said Chuffy doubtfully. ‘Have you any sisters, Bertie?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘But, if you had, you would kiss them?’
    ‘Repeatedly.’
    ‘Well … Oh, well … Well, perhaps it’s all right.’
    ‘You can believe a Wooster’s word, can’t you?’
    ‘I don’t know so much. I remember you once, the morning after the Boat Race our second year at Oxford, telling the magistrates your name was Eustace H. Plimsoll and that you lived at the Laburnams, Alleyn Road, West Dulwich.’
    ‘That was a special case, calling for special measures.’
    ‘Yes, of course … Yes … Well … Well, I suppose it’s all right. You really do swear there’s absolutely nothing between you and Pauline now?’
    ‘Nothing. We have often laughed heartily at the thought of that moment’s madness in New York.’
    ‘I never heard you.’
    ‘Well, we have done – frequently.’
    ‘Oh? … In that case … Well, yes, I suppose … Well, anyway, I’ll go off and write that letter.’
    For some time after he had left me, I remained with the feet up on the mantelpiece, relaxing. Take it for all in all, it had been a pretty strenuous day, and I was feeling the strain a bit. The recent exchange of thoughts with Chuffy alone had taken it out of the nervous system considerably. And when Brinkley came in and wanted to know when I would have dinner, the thought of sitting down to a solitary steak and fried in the cottage didn’t appeal. I felt restless, on edge.
    ‘I shall dine out, Brinkley,’ I said.
    This successor to Jeeves had been sent down by the agency in London, and I’m bound to say he wasn’t the fellow I’d have selected if I had had time to go round to the place and make a choice in person. Not at all the man of my dreams. A melancholy blighter, with a long, thin, pimple-studded face and deep, brooding eyes, he had shown himself averse from the start to that agreeable chit-chat between employer and employed to which the society of Jeeves had accustomed me. I had been trying to establish cordial relations ever since he had arrived, but with no success. Outwardly he was all respectfulness, but inwardly you could see that he was a man who was musing on the coming Social Revolution and looked on Bertram as a tyrant and an oppressor.
    ‘Yes, Brinkley, I shall dine out.’
    He said nothing, merely looking at me as if he were measuring me for my lamp-post.
    ‘I have had a fatiguing day, and I feel a need for the lights and the wine. Both of these, I should imagine,