Free The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes by Rudy A. Swale Page A

on a carriage ride with her mother. “Mom, my hands are cold.”
    “Stick them between your legs and they’ll warm up,” says her mother.
    The following day she goes on a carriage ride with her fiancé, “My hands are cold,” he says.
    “Stick them between my legs and they’ll warm up,” she says.
    The day after that they again go on a carriage ride. “My nose is cold,” says the fiancé.
    “Stick it between my legs and it’ll warm up,” says the girl.
    The third day they are out on another carriage ride. “My penis is cold,” says the boy.
    “Stick it between my legs and it will warm up.”
    The girl returns home after the carriage ride and says, “Mom, do you know what a penis is?”
    “Yes,” answers the mother.
    Then the girl tells her, “They sure do make a mess when they thaw out.”

    Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
    In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
    On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He was so horny and excited to try out his new “system” that he didn’t think twice and leapt on board.
    After a few minutes of “slap and tickle” they found themselves in the “69” position. Sure enough, only moments later the man felt the sudden urge to come. Following the doctor’s orders, he grabbed the starter pistol off the bedside table and fired it.
    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
    The man answered, “Just great! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face and bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”

    Little Johnny was supposed to have a “current event” every day for school.
    He never did his homework and one day his teacher said, “Johnny, if you don’t have a current event for class tomorrow you will fail and have to take this class again next year.”
    He went home, went to bed, and forgot all about it. The next morning on his way to school he remembered and thought to himself, Damn, I forgot to prepare my current event.
    Then he saw a cat with two dogs chasing it run across the railway line. The cat made it across but a train hit the dogs.
    When he got to school he yelled, “Teacher, teacher, I have my current event!”
    She said, “OK what is it, Johnny?”
    He told her, “This morning on my way to school I saw a cat run across the railway line and the two dogs that were chasing it got hit in the ass by a train.”
    She said, “Johnny! Don’t use language like that. Say ‘rectum.’”
    He laughed and said, “Wrecked ’em, hell, it killed ’em both.”

    One Friday, a 5th grade teacher says, “Class, every Friday I am going to ask a question. Whoever gets the question right gets to skip school on Monday.” So the class is very excited and can’t wait until next Friday.
    Friday comes around and the teacher says, “Okay, time for the question of the week. How many stars are in the sky?” Of course no one can answer it. Next week she asks, “How many grains of sand are there on the beach?” Still no one can answer.
    One student, however, is fed up with this. When he gets home, he paints two ping-pong balls black. He puts them in a bag and goes to school. When Friday comes around he takes them to class. The teacher says, “Okay, class, time for the question of the week.” The boy quickly drops the balls on the floor and they roll up to her feet.
    The teacher says rudely, “Okay,