Free The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes by Rudy A. Swale Page B

who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
    Then the kid says quickly, “Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday.”

    A man goes to the doctor and the visit goes like this.
    MAN: Doc, I think I’m gay.
    DOCTOR: What makes you think you’re gay?
    MAN: Well, my dad just announced to our family that HE’S gay.
    DOCTOR: Just because your father is gay doesn’t mean that you are. It’s not hereditary.
    MAN: But Doc, I have two uncles and they are BOTH gay.
    DOCTOR: Well, that’s just a coincidence. It’s NOT hereditary.
    MAN: But I have three brothers, and they are ALL gay.
    DOCTOR: Dammit, son! Doesn’t anyone in your family like pussy?!
    MAN: Well, sure. My sister does!!

    Ethel loved to speed around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
    One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mickey stepped out with his arm outstretched.
    “STOP!” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?”
    Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, then held it up to him.
    “OK,” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?”
    Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
    Harold nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am.”
    As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
    “Oh, good grief,” said Ethel. “Not the breathalyzer again!”

    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”
    The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
    “Onions?” asked the son.
    “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
    This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?”
    The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
    “A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter.
    “Yes, it’s dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”

    This old woman was in her attic with her cat (whom she loved very much) when she saw an old bottle. She started wiping the bottle and a genie appeared. The genie told her she would grant her three wishes. So the old woman wished to become a beautiful young woman and, POOF, she became a very beautiful young woman. Then she wished to have her house full of money from the floor to the ceiling and, POOF, her house filled up with money. Her last wish was for her beloved cat to become this gorgeous young hunk of a man, and, POOF, her cat became the biggest hunk she ever laid eyes on. She looked at the man and said, “I love you.”
    The man replied, “I love you too, but now don’t you wish you hadn’t had me neutered?”

    Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”
    “What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
    “See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my