Free Cucumber Coolie by Ryan Casey

sofa and right onto my feet. I looked to my left. Martha was still on the floor playing about with the camcorder.
    “How long was I…?”
    “A minute or two,” Martha said. She tilted her head in the direction of the door. “Well aren’t you gonna get that?”
    Feeling very sickly, I stumbled over the cold hard floor of my lounge and towards my flat door. I tried to think who it might be. A small part of me hoped that it was Danielle. That she’d escaped this nutbag, and we could start our new lives. Together.
    I lowered the handle, praying and praying for a miracle.
    I got the exact opposite.
    “Blakey! So what’s this gift then, hmm?”
    Lenny, who was dressed in a navy blue suit jacket and black trousers, pushed past me and looked around my lounge.
    My arms tingled and my throat tightened. The police. Lenny was the police. “Lenny, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? Get out!”
    “Woah!” Lenny said. He raised his hands, sly grin on his face. “Alright there, Bernie Bipolar. You know how quickly I ran down here when I got your text? Very quickly, I’ll have you know. Very quickly on the quickometer. Oh, hey Martin.”
    “Martha.”
    I shook my head, the voices crowding my thoughts. “Wait—a text? What text?”
    Lenny narrowed his eyes. “The… the text about the present you got for me. The… You know. Thanking me for being a top friend and all that. Blake, are you okay? It’s just you… you look pale and… and with all this Ebola going round at the minute, I’ve got to ask. I even have a surgical mask, y’know? Just in case I’m out in public and someone Ebola-ish walks towards me…”
    Lenny’s words drifted away.
    I stared at Martha, and she looked back at me with guilt in her eyes.
    By her side, my iPhone rested.
    “Is somebody gonna tell me what the hell this is about?” Lenny asked. “Because if this is a windup, well I’m not in the mood for windups. We got another victim in that weird Hosey mystery. Hell, why am I telling you anyway? Probably read about it on your BlackBerrymobiles or whatever.”
    I took a deep breath. “About that, Lenny.”
    Lenny looked from me to Martha then back again. “You… wait. Please don’t tell me you’re ‘fessing. Blake, no. Don’t do this to me. You’re a good guy. I—”
    “I think you should probably watch this,” Martha said.
    She handed the camcorder to Lenny. Half-smiled at me.
    I didn’t know whether this was an idiot move or not, but it was a move, and that was something.
    Lenny hit play. “This better not be… well, anything erotic. I have a low threshold towards erotic stimuli these days. Got a hard-on over a Polo mint the other week.”
    Okay, definitely an idiot move.

FOURTEEN
    “Shit, Blakey, I… I don’t know what to say, really. You are in the shit.”
    I covered my eyes as Lenny finished watching the tape. I couldn’t bear to see his reactions throughout it. Feared if he made any little joke, any little wisecrack, I might just give him a bloody crack. A crack across the nose.
    “You didn’t tell me about your bird. She’s cute.”
    I bit my tongue and moved my hands away from my eyes.
    “So what do you think?” Martha asked. She sat beside Lenny on my sofa. I was a little pissed at her for inviting Lenny around. But I suppose she was only trying to help.
    Besides, involving Lenny was only just police involvement, right? He was barely an officer, really.
    Lenny pouted and whistled. “Well I think it looks very much like the mode operation of our pal Hose.”
    “Modus operandi,” I said.
    “Yeah, that. So basically what happens is this: you’ll get another tape tomorrow morning showing your pretty bird here being—”
    “Okay!” I stood up and shook my head. “Lenny, I didn’t frigging invite you here to act an idiot. I didn’t invite you here at all. We need your help. Anything you can give us. But this has to stay quiet. This… news of this third kidnapping can’t break.”
    Lenny narrowed his