Free Ex’s and Oh’s by Sandra Steffen

coming?”
    “Dave had to work late, but she’ll be here. She always is. The rest of us couldn’t understand why Tori invited Pattie into the group. She’s happily married. She likes her job. She has a good relationship with her mother and her mother-in-law. At first glance, she doesn’t seem like a misfit at all.”
    Suddenly Nell seemed to be having trouble eating her cookie. Evidently it wasn’t easy to chew around the foot she’d stuck in her mouth.
    “It’s all right,” Caroline said. “I think I understand. You’re saying Tori collects misfits.”
    Nell made a face. “I overeat. Elaine acts tough, but Justin’s infidelity is killing her. The fact that Pattie is happily married makes her a rarity in this day and age. She’s a misfit among the rest of us misfits.”
    Caroline thought about that. “And what about Tori?”
    Nell said, “I’ve known her all my life. Even when we were in grade school, she always invited every girl in theclass to her birthday parties. Some kids thought she wanted presents. But really, she never wanted anybody to feel left out. She wears her heart on her sleeve. Sometimes it causes problems for her.”
    Just then, Pattie entered the kitchen. Handing her a glass of wine, Tori continued speaking to Elaine. “I’m not saying they don’t have their uses. I’m just saying most men place a lot more value on them than they should.”
    “I’m surprised they don’t insure them,” Elaine said dourly.
    “Who says they don’t? Don’t get me wrong. They can be a real source of entertainment.”
    “If you’re in the mood for that sort of thing,” Nell called from the table. “But day in and day out? You’d think they could give it a rest!”
    “Every man I’ve ever known acts as if he can’t function without adjusting it.”
    “If it isn’t in one hand or the other, they’re groping for it. Heaven forbid a woman wants to be in control once in a while.”
    Pattie hadn’t even taken her first sip of wine before she said, “Are they talking about what I think they’re talking about?”
    Caroline nodded.
    And Nell said, “The television remote.”
    Laughter erupted throughout the room. Yes, Caroline thought, joining in. When it came to laughter and life, she’d come to the right place.
    “By the way,” Tori said above the noise. “Next week we’re going to the club.”
    “Dave has a fit when I go to the club,” Pattie complained.
    “I can’t drink, remember?” Caroline said.
    “You’re going to be our designated driver.” Tori put down her wineglass and began to set out the food.
    “What did you do today?” Pattie asked Caroline.
    “I went shoe shopping, for one thing. But instead of trying on anything fancy, I bought a good pair of walking shoes. I think I should have picked up new underclothes. All of a sudden, I’m busting out of this bra.”
    “Enjoy it while it lasts,” Tori said.
    Caroline was enjoying it. Not the increase in bust size, per se, but all the rest.
    “What about you, Elaine?” Nell asked. “What did you do today?”
    “I hired a private investigator.”
    “No kidding?” Nell said.
    “I found a receipt for lingerie. Justin hasn’t given me lingerie once in the nine years we’ve been married.”
    “Oh, Elaine,” Pattie said.
    “Men,” Nell added. “We’re better off without them.”
    “Then why do we keep trying?” Elaine asked.
    “That’s a good question,” Tori replied. “Nell, Elaine, try this crab dip.”
    Watching her friends across the kitchen, Pattie said, “I’m married to a fantastic guy. He helps with the kids. He compliments me. He’s great in bed.” She wrinkled up her nose. “But after spending a night with these three when they’re in one of their anti-men moods, I don’t even like the way he breathes. Have you called the midwife yet?”
    “I have an appointment next week. Pattie, did Tori’s ex cheat on her, too?”
    “I don’t think so.”
    “The other way around?” Caroline