Free Busman’s Honeymoon by Dorothy L. Sayers Page B

couple now before us. To obey orders in this family has been my privilege for the last twenty years—a privilege which has been an unqualified pleasure, except perhaps when connected with the photography of deceased persons in an imperfect state of preservation.’
      He paused, and seemed to expect something.
      ‘Did the kitchen-maid shriek at that point?’ asked Harriet ‘No, my lady—the housemaid; the kitchen-maid having been sent out for giggling when Miss Franklin was speaking.’
      ‘It’s a pity we let Mrs Ruddle go,’ said Peter. ‘In her absence we will deem the shriek to have been duly uttered. Proceed!’
      ‘Thank you, my lord.... I should, perhaps,’ resumed Mr Bunter, ‘apologise for alarming the ladies with so unpleasant an allusion, but that her ladyship’s pen has so adorned the subject as to render the body of a murdered millionaire as agreeable to the contemplative mind as is that of a ripe burgundy to the discriminating palate. ( Hear, hear! ) His lordship is well known as a connoisseur, both a fine body ( Keep it clean, Bunter! )—in every sense of the word ( Laughter )—and of a fine spirit ( Cheers )—also in every sense of the word ( Renewed laughter and applause ). May I express the hope that the present union may happily exemplify that which we find in a first-class port—strength of body fortified by a first-class spirit and mellowing through many years to a noble maturity. My lord and my lady—your very good health!’ ( Prolonged applause, during which the orator drained his cup and sat down. )
      ‘Upon my word,’ said Peter, ‘I have seldom heard an after-dinner speech more remarkable for brevity and—all things considered—propriety.’
      ‘You’ll have to reply to it, Peter.’
      ‘I am no orator as Bunter is, but I’ll try.... Am I mistaken, by the way, in imagining that that oil-stove is stinking to heaven?’
      ‘It’s smoking, at any rate,’ said Harriet, ‘like nothing on earth.’
      Bunter, whose back was towards it, got up in alarm.
      ‘I fear, my lord,’ he observed, after some minutes of silent struggle, ‘that some catastrophe has occurred to the burner.’
      ‘Let’s have a look,’ said Peter.
      The ensuing struggle was neither silent nor successful
      ‘Turn the blasted thing out and take it away,’ said Peter at length. He came back to the table, his appearance in no way improved by several long smears from the oily smuts which were now falling in every part of the room. ‘Under the present conditions, I can only say, Bunter, in reply to your good wishes for our welfare, that my wife and I thank you sincerely and shall hope that they may be fulfilled in every particular. For myself, I should like to add that any man is rich in friends who has a good wife and a good servant, and I hope I may be dead, as I shall certainly be damned, before I give either of you cause to leave me (as they say) for another. Bunter, your health—and may heaven send her ladyship and you fortitude to endure me, so long as all shall live. I may as well warn you that I for one am firmly resolved to live as long as I possibly can.’
      ‘To which,’ said Mr Bunter, ‘always excepting the fortitude as being unnecessary, I should wish—if the expression may be permitted—to observe. Amen.’
      Here everybody shook hands, and there was a pause, broken by Mr Bunter’s saying, with slightly self-conscious haste, that he thought he had better attend to the bedroom fire.
      ‘And in the meantime,’ said Peter, ‘we can have a final cigarette over the Beatrice in the sitting-room. I suppose, by the way, Beatrice is capable of heating us a little washing water?’
      ‘No doubt of it, my lord,’ said Mr Bunter, ‘always supposing that one could find a new wick for it. The present wick appears, I regret to say, inadequate.’
      ‘Oh!’ said Peter, a little blankly. And indeed, when they reached the sitting-room,