Free My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding by Katya Starkey Page B

All of the dresses are smooth and lovely, and I’m wearing some less uncomfortable control underwear, yet I still think I look odd when I stare at myself in the mirror.
    “Now this has to be the one for you.” Lara gushes at me like a good dress sales lady. She’s been saying the same thing about every gown I’ve tried on though. I think she’s getting as fed up as I am.
    “Oh, I don’t know.”
    “Oh for god’s sake, Em!”
    Yep. She’s definitely fed up. “What’s the problem this time?”
    Frowning, I tilt my chin down. “I’m practically choking on my cleavage and this dress makes my hips look huge.” I don’t like the way I’m overly cinched in at the waist, it exacerbates my hourglass figure, and not in a good way.
    “Right, that’s it then.” Lara heads out of the fitting area. “You stay right there and we’ll sort out a dress for you once and for all.”
    When she returns her wedding bell shaped robot is floating behind her. “Keep that thing away from me.”
    “Oh relax.” Lara presses the face of her phone and I presume she’s giving her robot some app instructions. “We’re not near any great bodies of water.”
    She’s right. I don’t think there’s any chance of accidental electrocution. I’m still cautious though when Lara guides the robot towards me. “I’m just going to do some alterations.”
    “With me in the dress?”
    Lara nods and a funny looking sewing machine pops out of the bridal robot. It angles it’s dangerous looking device towards me and starts sewing and snipping away.
    “Isn’t this great?” Lara seems excited. I, however, am not. I don’t see why she can’t wait until I’ve taken this bloody dress off to do the stitching bits on it.
    The front door bell tinkles. “I’ll be right back.” Lara heads out of the room.
    “You can’t just leave me alone with this machine, Lolz!”
    “You’ll be fine,” she replies with a wave of her hand upon leaving.
    Fantastic. Now I’m left with one of these horrible robots as it zips and whirrs all around the dress I’m wearing. I feel tugging around the skirt area and when the robot’s sewing mechanism rises up onto the bodice of my gown, I start to quiver with fear. Lifting my arms I watch in the mirror as the lace covered bot sews in stitches on the upper corset part of my dress. I’m holding as still as I can. The robot’s sewing device contains sharp needles and small blades for cutting away string and fabric.
    Why oh why did I agree to let this thing near me? Any minute now it’s probably going to malfunction and stab me to death! I’m going to die by accidental slicing this time and I think I’d much prefer gentle electrocution by drowning!
    “There we go, all done.”
    Lara has returned and the robot is gently hovering by her side. All signs of torture device looking sewing apparatus have disappeared back into its bell surface.
    “It’s finished?”
    “It certainly is. What do you think, Em?”
    Looking up, I glance into the mirrors that line the walls of the fitting room. “It’s a bit better…”
    I’m about to say more when Lara practically rages at me. “Fine, you don’t like it.” She stomps toward me. “Just take it off and I’ll order in a new batch of dresses for you to try on.”
    “But, Lolz—”
    “No.” She cuts me off. “Just turn around so I can untie the sash… oh my god.”
    “Oh my god what?” When there’s no response from my best friend, I try to see where she’s looking.
    “That damn robot.” Lara turns and I glance her way. “Where has it gone?”
    She’s right. Where has the bridal bot gone? And why is its presence so important?
    Just then, my phone rings. I take it out from between my boobs where I’d stuffed it before trying on dresses. “Hello, Anika?” I say, as soon as I pick up the call. “Is everything all right?”
    “Boss lady!” Anika’s voice blares into my ear. “Your robot! It is destroying the cafe!”
    My robot? My eyes glaze