Free Crazy by Han Nolan

taken a look at that face.
    SEXY LADY :
What are you so afraid of? You're hot, a little hungry-looking, though, and anxious—your eyes give you away. You need to practice looking more relaxed, and your hair is shaggy and long, but still hot. Good strong cheekbones.
    FBG WITH A MUSTACHE :
I know what he's afraid of...
    Everybody, be quiet!
    I lean in and place the tip of the brush at the top of my forehead, about an inch to the right of center. Carefully, with one long stroke, I paint a jagged line moving from the top of my head, along the right side of my nose, toward the middle of my lips, and all the way down to my chin. I study the line and it doesn't look quite right. I start again, this time working left of center. I draw another jagged line, down past the left side of my nose, and slowly connect it with the first line at my lips. I look at the results.
    CRAZY GLUE :
Yikes, it looks like you've ripped your skull open!
    SEXY LADY :
That's not hot.
    AUNT BEE :
Oh dear, I can't look. Something might spill out. Something terrible. Don't look! Don't look!
    I grab my mom's hairbrush and strike the mirror. Jagged lines shoot out from the wound. The whole
mirror splinters but doesn't crumble. My face looks fractured into a million pieces.
    LAUGH TRACK :
Gasp!
    CRAZY GLUE :
What'd you do that for?
    FBG WITH A MUSTACHE :
I know ...
    Shut up, everyone. Just shut up!
    I reach for the light switch and turn out the light. I stand in the dark for several minutes, scared out of my wits.
    I hear our doorbell. "Dad?"
    I race downstairs and fling open the front door. It's Shelby.
    "Hey—oh, whoa, what's that? Eew!" She presses a cold finger against my forehead and pushes my head back.
    CRAZY GLUE :
Yeah, that's what we want to know.
    I have no answer, so I say, "I thought you were my dad." I wipe my hand over my face. Nothing comes off.
    She shrugs. "Sorry, it's just me. Can I come in?"
    CRAZY GLUE :
Noway!
    "Oh listen, yeah, this is really nice of you, but you didn't have to come over. You don't have to stay here with me. I'm doing fine." I try to block the doorway by standing with my legs spread apart and my right hand on the door frame.
    Shelby eyes my forehead. "Yeah, uh-huh, I can see that you're real fine." She barrels into my arm and pushes her way in.
    CRAZY GLUE :
She's heading for the living room. Tackle her before she gets any farther. You don't want her seeing the house like this.
    AUNT BEE :
Don't you dare!
    "Look, Jason—no need to put up a front for me," she says over her shoulder. "It's no fun facing this stuff alone." She turns around and smiles, then notices the room. "Wow, you've got a lot of books! What is this, some kind of used bookstore you're running?"
    CRAZY GLUE :
Say yes. Lie, goob, lie! Maybe owning so many books is crazy.
    I can't come up with a good lie, so I tell the truth. I walk into the living room and set my hands on one of the many shelves of books. "My dad's a writer and we all love to read, or loved to, or ... uh..."
    CRAZY GLUE :
Told you. You should have lied. Just don't let her upstairs.
    Shelby stares at the ceiling. "Wow, the ceilings are really high in this place. What are they, like twelve feet?" She looks at me a second, but before I can answer, she's marching toward the dining room, which is looking kind of empty without the table and chairs and side table, which I sold because we needed the money.
    CRAZY GLUE :
Along with his bike and the canoe and...
    "Really, Shelby, you don't have to stay here. I mean, what are you going to do, stay the night?"
    LAUGH TRACK :
(Laughter).
    She turns around to look at me. "Well, yeah. You don't want me going back out in the cold again, do you? It's freezing out there—and the roads are really icing up."
    CRAZY GLUE :
(In a singsong voice) You're gonna wet the bed.
    LAUGH TRACK :
Uh-oh!
    It's only now that I notice Shelby is wearing a bike helmet.
    CRAZY GLUE :
About time.
    "You mean you biked over here?" I run to the living room windows and look out to