Free All Families Are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland Page B

regeneration experiments on this fligh t, and I swear, their whole zero-G research progr am is being run by a McDonald's crew chief. Remember when the Soviets used to have their act
    together? We should be so lucky again. How's Mom? How are you? Beth and I only had maybe seventeen seconds together. Bryan's girl friend is — oh, God — well, at least she has tw o X chromo somes. If you wake up early enough , give me a call. I'll be hitt ing the sack at 8:00 civilian time.'

    She left a number, which Wade went onto the balcony and dialed. 'Baby sister?'
    'Wade! Oh, this is yummy. What are you up to? What are you doing up at ... 4:25 in the morning ?'
    'Way too much weird family juju. Can' t sleep. Sometimes I wish we were the way real estate salespeople look in those li tt le newspaper ads — with nice parted hair, optimistic att itudes and perfect li tt le lives — and that we'd all had our reptile cortexes surgically removed.'
    'How's Mom?'
    'OK. Tired.'
    Wade told her abou t Shw. And Bryan. And Nickie. Sarah listened, rapt, and then asked, 'What are you guys going to do abou t Nickie and Dad?'
    'No idea. Sarah—?' 'Yeah, big bro ther?'
    'Tell me something — how do you deal with so many responsibili ties? How? I really mean it. We've sort of talked abou t this before — when you visited me in Kansas. I can barely arrange dinner reservations at Jessie's Catf ish Grill , and I can' t even order Disney World tickets over the phone. I've never had to actually do things before. I never had any reason to. And I finally want to accompli sh things, but don ' t have a clue how. Meanwhile, you're orchestrating DNA strands in outer space, fostering world peace and landing the single most complex artifact ever made by the human species out in the desert.'
    Sarah took a second. 'I never think abou t it like that, Wade. There are simply these things that need to be done, and it 's simpler to do them than to not do them.'
    'You're amazing.'
    'You give me too much credit.'
    'Wade—' Sarah cut Wade off. 'Sorry, but my break's nearly over, and I really need to ask you one thing.' 'Shoo t.' Wade braced himself.
    'How is your health in measurable scientific terms?'
    'Jesus, Sarah.'
    'Just tell me, Wade.'
    Wade took a deep breath. 'OK then. Not too hot.'
    'That's what I though t. You didn ' t look too groovy today.'
    ' My cell coun t numbers are falling bit by bit. My numbers just won' t stay steady.' 'How do you feel on a day-to-day basis?'
    'A bit tired-ish. Otherwise OK. I had a rash, and some days I feel fluey. Anything more than this is complaining , so I don ' t want to go any further on that subject.'
    The acid in Wade's stomach gurgl ed. He remembered back when he was eigh t and Sarah was six, out in the backyard trees, him puncturing a hole on the inside of his wrist with a safety pin, and Sarah
    unsqueamishly poking a hole in the end of her left arm, and the tw o of them then mixing their blood
    amid the sound of buzzing flies and rustling alder leaves. There had been a lot of aphids that year, and the wind was whistling through the holes they'd eaten in the leaves.
    'Wade, I have to go. The Russkies are beckoning me — small vanilla shake, six-pack of McNuggets and a Happy Meal plastic toy. Call me tomorro w, same time, OK? — if you're awake. What plans do you have for the day?'
    'Disney World .'
    'You looking forward to it?'
    Wade paused. 'You kno w what? I am.'
    'Have fun, big bro ther.' 'G'nigh t, baby sister.'

10

    'Wade, what the hell are you doing ?' Ted came in the back door from work to find Janet and Wade watching TV.
    ' Mom and me are watching the Sonny and Cher Show.'
    'It 's a funny show, Ted.'
    'You're not watching TV,' said Ted, 'you were dancing.' Ted spat this last word out like it was a pubic hair. 'Leave him alone, Ted. We're enjoying the show. How was your day? You're late again.'
    Wade said, 'So what if I was dancing?'
    Ted said, 'Jan, you're going to turn him into a pantywaist.'
    Wade didn ' t kno w