Free The Douchebag Bible by TJ Kirk

to
    produce intelligent offspring. Neither my mother nor
    my father had blue eyes, but both my brother and I do.
    The reason for this is because we both received a
    recessive gene from each parent to “give” us blue eyes.

    12 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_HIV-positive_people
    One could make the argument that because these men (and a few women) mostly
    contracted the disease before it was well known that their lack of caution was
    somewhat understandable. I counter by pointing out that there were still a large
    number of known STDs at the time that most of these (typically gay) men
    contracted the disease, so my point that sexual urges can overcome the good sense
    of even learned and intelligent people still holds water.

    Intelligence is a lot more complex a trait then eye color,
    but the principle is the same. Genes that are dormant
    in two stupid people could become active in the
    offspring of said people and result in a child smarter
    than the dumb asses that spawned it.
    3. Stupid people serve a number of vital functions in our
    society. They cook our burgers, lay our brick and keep
    comedians like Adam Sandler and Larry The Cable Guy
    successful. No one with an IQ west of 110 is going to
    want to work the register at Taco Bell , yet plenty of
    MENSA members are still going to need Double-
    Decker Taco Supremes and Cinnamon Twists—so let’s
    all agree that idiots in this country, though unpleasant
    company, pull their weight.
    IGT keeps us cranking out kids, ensuring that we have a stable
    population even in this age of easy contraception. If the
    overpopulation fears of alarmist liberals are anything to worry
    about, then I’ll point out that IGT also keeps us dying at a healthy
    rate from preventable things like STDs, heart-disease and lung
    cancer. IGT may well be the sole stabilizing force of our
    population! It keeps us breeding and it keeps us dying.

    Another advantage of IGT keeping us from living too long
    is that far less of us survive into senility than medical science,
    combined with reasonable health awareness, ought to rightfully
    allow us to do. This spares us from the worst years of our lives.

    Just recently my great grandma, who has survived to the

    miserable old age of 96, told my gay13 uncle that she doubted that
    my aunt’s daughter was really my aunt’s. Why? Because my aunt
    is such a slut that she probably cheated on her husband. In my
    grandma’s senile and faltering old brain that doesn’t just call the
    paternity of my cousin into question, but her maternity as well! I
    hate to spout a tough guy cliché, but if I’m ever that old and stupid,
    please shoot me.

    Thankfully, my proclivity for donuts and cheese and
    processed meats to the disregard of my health will likely send me
    to an early grave like my father before me. Thanks to IGT, I will
    likely die with my wits intact and my family will be able to
    remember me as a mean-spirited old fucker who hated everyone
    and was damned hilarious.

    You may be saying at this point, “Okay, perhaps there is
    something of an argument to be made for benefits of personal IGT,
    but on a societal level, it’s all bad news!” I will grant you that IGT
    creates problems like global warming and peak oil, but if not for
    our reckless use of oil and petroleum based products, we’d likely
    not be as far along in our research of alternative energy because
    our frugality in the face of a crisis would have had us managing
    our oil better and using it longer. If it weren’t for the global
    warming problem we’d not have poured nearly as much many
    into climate science, which has lead us to a number of auxiliary
    revelations about how our whole ecosystem works. Scientific

    13 His sexuality isn’t really pertinent here, but it’s how I personally identify him. If I
    just said “my uncle,” that would be sufficient for you, but it would not ring right
    to my ears.

    discovery and innovation have always been driven by crises.
    Aviation