Free Shark Infested Custard by Charles Willeford

you and another man?" and he is unable to tell you because he has no idea of what two men do together, it is obvious that the prospective draftee is lying to avoid the draft. But I would reject him anyway, much to the annoyance of my NCOIC of Testing. The way I figured, if a man was so terrified of the Army that he would say that he was a homosexual, even though he wasn't, he wouldn't make much of a soldier. And the first sergeants, down on the line somewhere, who would have to make a soldier out of him, had enough problems already.
           But the questionnaire Larry received from Electro-Date had no questions whatsoever about his preferences in women. It was all about him—his age, his religion, his hobbies, and so on. This information would be transferred to a card, the card would be run through the computer, and then the cards that women had filled out—those that were similar in information to his—would drop out. He would be matched with one of them, and a date would be arranged between the two of them on the telephone by someone at the Electro-Date office.
           "What you're going to have to do, Larry," I said, "is lie."
           "Why?"
           "Because the women who fill out their questionnaires are going to lie, that's why. For example, what's the upper age limit you'll agree to date?"
           "Thirty, I suppose. I don't mind dating a woman my own age."
           "There you are," I said. "If a woman's thirty-five, and she thinks she can get away with it, she'll put her age down as thirty. So you'd better put down that you're twenty-eight instead of thirty. You still might get an older woman, but at least you'll have some leeway.
           "What's your religion, Larry?"
           "None, really, but I used to go to the Unitarian Church once in awhile in Gainesville."
           "You can't put that down. That's the last thing you want, a date with a Unitarian. They're weird, man."
           "I know. They were weird in Gainesville, but they weren't inhibited, either."
           "Put down Church of England."
           "Episcopalian?"
           "No. Church of England. That way they can match you with Episcopalians and lapsed Roman Catholics. If you happen, by chance, to get a real Church of Englander, they aren't concerned with morality anyway. Episcopalians are all time-servers, and lapsed Catholics have a sense of guilt they're always trying to deny. A girl who thinks that sex is dirty, and feels guilty about it, can be a damned good piece of ass. If you were sincere about this questionnaire, I'd say to put down Roman Catholic, because you'd probably get a lot of nubile Cuban girls. But they'll all be looking for a husband."
           "How young?"
           "Look at the newspapers. Usually, Cuban girls are married by the time they're sixteen. If they're nineteen and still single, they're desperate, Larry."
           "Let's change Church of England then, and put down Roman Catholic."
           "Why?"
           "A desperate girl is ready for anything."
           "You'll be flooded, Larry. Except for priests you're probably the only single thirty-year-old 'Catholic' in Miami who's eligible and unmarried."
           "I like that. What about occupation?"
           We had some fun with that one, but finally decided upon "Dietician. " We figured that he would probably get a few nurses that way, or at least some healthy girl who was an organic food freak. We added an extra degree, making him an M. A., and provided him with some interesting hobbies: making models of World War I airplanes, collecting old bottles in the Keys, and spelunking for buried treasures.
           Three days later Larry dropped by my apartment to have a drink, on his way to his first arranged date. We are about the same height, but he weighs twenty pounds more than I do. In his new white sharkskin suit, red silk shirt, with a white-on-white necktie, red