Free Phule's Paradise by Robert Asprin (rsv) Page A

in one swallow and stepped into line behind him.
          "Hi there," she said brightly, flashing her best smile. "I'm Tiffany."
          The Legionnaire glanced at her. "Hello."
          Realizing the man was not about to supply his name, she switched quickly to another conversational ploy.
          "So ... have you been in the Space Legion long?"
          "Yes."
          Again the abruptness of the response left her without anything to say.
          "Well-"
          "Your drink, sir," the bartender interrupted, pushing his offering across the bar.
          To Tiffany's surprise, the Legionnaire reached into his pocket.
          "You're paying?" she blurted. "I thought this was a free bar."
          The man fixed her with a brief, level stare.
          "It is," he said. "We still tip the bartender, though. Just because the captain's paying for the drinks is no reason to short the help for their work. Like the captain says: `You don't break someone else's rice bowl.'"
          With that, he tossed a bill on the bar, gathered up his drink, and left to rejoin his group.
          "Something for you, miss?" the bartender said pointedly.
          "Hemlock, neat," she muttered, staring after her departed victim.
          "Excuse me?"
          "Nothing. Give me a rum and Coke. Heavy on the rum, no lime."
          It was clear that "bright and friendly" wasn't working. Maybe she should change gears and see if the crowd was up for "sultry and a little horny."
          "Chilly out tonight, isn't it?"
          Tiffany glanced around.
          "Lex! I thought that was you at the briefing. Let me tell you, darling, it's good to see a friendly face. I was starting to think I had grown another head-and an ugly one at that."
          "It isn't just you," her savior assured her. "They seem to be unreceptive to any of us-even me!"
          The "even me" tag line was, of course, typical of Lex. A male model turned actor, his success had heightened his already substantial opinion of himself. It had been noted more than once that the only thing bigger than his ego was, unfortunately, his talent. When he was "on," he had the gift of appearing to totally focus his attention, making whoever he was dealing with at the time feel that they were the most important, interesting person in the universe. This impression was conveyed even when the other "person" was a camera lens or the "third wall" of a stage, giving him the ability to affect an audience as few actors can. It was only when he was relaxed that his true disdain for others showed, encouraging most to maintain him as an acquaintance rather than as a friend.
          Tiffany knew him only in passing from one production they had worked together, and normally would avoid his company. Even now, as desperate as she was for someone to talk to, she couldn't resist "zinging" him a little.
          "Well, some of us seem to be doing okay," she said, pointing with her chin to a far corner where a petite young girl was engrossed in a conversation with a towering Legionnaire with a huge, warthog head.
          Lex followed her gaze.
          "Who? Her?" He managed to convey both disgust and dismissal by intonation alone. "She isn't really one of us. She's only done a few things, all amateur. In fact, this was her big try at breaking into professional acting."
          Tiffany cocked an eyebrow at him.
          "How do you know all that?"
          "I talked to her earlier, after the briefing."
          "And she wouldn't give you a tumble, eh?" she finished for him with a grin.
          "Don't be a bitch, Tiffany," Lex said, unruffled. "Just because I didn't come after you first is no reason to be catty."
          "Say ... what are you doing here, anyway?" she said, indulging in a small frown. "I thought they were looking for relative unknowns. Didn't I hear you landed a part in a holo-soap?"
          "I