Free Desperation of Love by Alice Montalvo-Tribue Page B

from a good place, but how could I not be hurt? She’s my best friend, she knows me better than anyone, she understands how my mind works. I get that she’s just looking out for her family. She spoke nothing but the truth. So why do I feel so deflated? Her words just validated my worst fears about myself and what I can potentially do to Alex. Now I have to go home and see his face, and I know there will be no way for me to break away from the hold that he has on me. I just need to ask him for some space. I need time alone to think this through. I can’t do that when he’s in my house, cooking me dinner and holding me at night.
    I get home to find Alex lounging on my couch, watching a baseball game on the TV, with a beer in hand. In the past, walking in on something like this would have annoyed me, but as usual, Alex seems to be the exception to the rule. I push that thought out of my head and walk further into the room. He looks up at me and a smile touches his lips. “Hey, princess. How was dinner?”
    “It was good.”
    “Come watch the game with me,” he requests, holding out his hand for me to take. I look down at his outstretched hand and I want to grab hold of it, tighten my grip and not let go, but the conversation between Elle and I just keeps replaying in my head. I need to think and I can’t do that with him here. I’m not ready to end things with Alex but I need some distance if I’m going to clear my head, and in true Jordan fashion, I go about it the wrong way.
    “Are you ever planning on going home?” I blurt out.
    “Excuse me?” he asks, sitting up straight and putting his beer down on the table in front of him. I can see a hint of surprise in his face. It’s shitty of me to say it like that, but I’m nothing if not blunt, and so is he. I think it’s one of the reasons we get along so well.
    I put my hands on my hips and tilt my head to the side. “You know— home. The one you moved into but never lived in. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take this long to fix a water main break.”
    “You don’t want me here?” He stands up and walks over to me.
    “I didn’t say that. It’s just that my space is important to me and we’re not at the point in this relationship where we should be spending every moment together. It’s just not healthy.” He’s annoyed. I can tell by the look on his face.
    He nods his head at me. “You know what? You’re right, Jordan. Space would be good right now. I’m going home. I’ll get my shit later. Let me know when you’ve had enough space .” He picks up his keys from the table and leaves without so much as a second look.
    I feel bad that he’s pissed off at me right now, but I think I did the best thing. This is all too new and I think we should ease into spending every night together. Doing my best to push the guilt away, I head upstairs to my bedroom, change into a pair of pajamas and get under the covers. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep but I can’t. I toss and turn for the next hour and a half, unable to get comfortable and hating myself because I know the reason why. I miss him. I miss him calling me princess and kissing me on my forehead. I miss snuggling up to him and feeling his warmth. I’m not sure how I got to the point where I’ve developed actual feelings for Alex, but it’s very unsettling, and now I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m confused. I’m wondering what it means that he hasn’t tried to move further with me in a sexual way and at the same time I’m relieved that he hasn’t, especially after talking to Elle tonight. I let her words affect me too much. She made assumptions about me that were true in the past, but why does she presume that I can’t ever change? If she changed her view on love, maybe I can too. Maybe I can be what Alex needs me to be, give him something that he hasn’t had before, something that I haven’t had before. Maybe we can do it together.
    Thirty minutes later, I’m standing on