Free Douglas Adams's Starship Titanic by Terry Jones

to make sure that no other passengers were being incommoded by all this Super Galactic Traveller Class screaming.
    'The Captain, madam or thing, is to be found on the Captain's Bridge,' said the Doorbot coldly with killing logic.
    'And where do we find that?'
    'You don't,' said the robot firmly. 'The Captain's Bridge is accessible only from the First Class accommodation.'
    'Well surely we can just go through in order to get to the Bridge?' reasoned Nettie.
    'I'm afraid not,' sniffed the Doorbot. 'All travelling area restrictions are strictly observed on this vessel.'
    'Oh come off it!' exclaimed Dan. 'This is an emergency!'
    'Over there!' said Nettie. She had just put on her translatorspecs and could now read the words — FIRST CLASS PASSENGERS ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT — on a door at the other end of the lobby.
    'That's pretty neat!' exclaimed Dan, when Nettie had explained how she knew which way to go.
    'Arrrrgh!' said Lucy. 'Sorry! I didn't mean to scream! It's just that robot moved so fast!' And it was true: the moment Dan and Nettie and Lucy stepped towards the First Class entrance, the Doorbot had overtaken them and was standing in between them and the doorway.
    'I regret, sir, madam and thing…'
    'Stop calling me a thing,' said Nettie.
    'Super Galactic Class Travellers are not allowed beyond this point. Now if you'd kindly return to your own decks…'
    'Get out of the way, Jeeves,' said Dan and he pushed past the robot.
    'Sir will find the door sealed,' sniffed the Doorbot, 'and if you do not return to your own quarters I shall be forced to call the ship's security officers. They have vicious rabbits.'
    Dan and Lucy were by now pushing and pulling on the First Class door, but it was clearly a pointless exercise.
    'There must be another way of doing this,' said Nettie. Something about her tone of voice made Dan and Lucy calm down and return to rational thinking.
    'OK!' said Dan. Let me handle this. After all, travel is — or has been — my business. What we have here is the commonest problem known to travellers the world over. How do we get a free upgrade?'
    The Doorbot went silent.
    'Ha!' Dan recognized the response immediately — corporate dumb insolence! 'If you don't tell us how to get a free upgrade immediately I shall report you to the Travel Association.' It was a bluff but it had worked many times before.
    'I cannot help you there, sir .' The contempt in the robot's voice was now so palpable it made Dan's skin feel rough. You will have to inquire with the Deskbot.' And he indicated the desk lamp that Nettie had been talking to earlier.
    'Huh!' snorted Nettie. 'That machine's about as helpful as a strapless ball-gown under g force!'
    But Dan had already run over to the Deskbot, and was now preparing to humiliate himself on an heroic scale.
    'Look,' he began. 'We have been misassigned our accommodation. This — as I expect you recognize — is Gloria Stanley, the actress.' Dan pointed at Nettie who immediately caught on to his drift and dutifully treated the Deskbot to a sultry look. 'I am her manager and this young lady is her lawyer.' Lucy really did look the part in her pinstripe power suit. 'We should have been given First Class tickets but our travel agent screwed up the booking. Can you reassign us immediately?'
    The Deskbot raised its shade or head and stared with its two lamps straight at Dan. He squirmed but held his composure.
    'And which travel agency would that be?' asked the Deskbot.
    'Top Ten Travel.'Dan was well into his role by now.
    The Deskbot blinked a few times, as if running through a file somewhere in its database. There was a sort of 'bing!' noise and it drummed its fingers on the desk. 'I have no record of such an agency in the Galaxy.'
    'I can assure you it does exist,' said Dan, whilst thinking, 'Well, it did exist up to this morning.'
    'Look, we must get an upgrade to First.' Lucy had decided to chime in.
    'Oh yes, madam.' The Deskbot had become insolently polite. 'And to whose