Free FOR MEN ONLY by Shaunti Feldhahn Page A

of filtering out her feelings to concentrate on the problem, we need to practice filtering out the problem so we can concentrate on her feelings about it.

    We need to practice filtering out the problem so we can concentrate on her feelings about it.

    In the CNN example, Shaunti didn’t need a pep talk, and she didn’t need my stellar business advice about how to approach CNN in a new way. All those things had already occurred to her. What she needed was a hug, and for me to hear and acknowledge her feelings. As in, “I’m so sorry—I know you were excited about being on CNN and you must be really disappointed.”
    If you are ever confused about what the situation requires, women suggested that a guy just ask. “Sweetheart, do you want my help, or do you just want me to listen?” (And then remember that what you need to listen to are her feelings.)
    Safe at Home
    Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem.
    (What most men think: “If she could just learn not to let her feelings control her, she’d be happier.”)
             
    Now you know: She deeply needs to know that you understand how she’s feeling. But put yourself in her shoes: She has absolutely no idea if you do understand unless you
show
it. Acknowledging to her what you’re hearing—a simple verbal restatement of her words—is the magic bullet.
    Thus, when I say to Shaunti, “That must have been so disappointing that CNN didn’t come through,” my circle is complete. I’ve run the bases and
solved her real problem
.
    Shaunti tells me there are actually two types of acknowledgement, and both are important.

    1.
Acknowledge what her feeling is
: “You felt disappointed.”

    But there’s more, and this is where guys tend to trip.

    2.
Affirm and sympathize with her feelings, even if you disagree with her thoughts.

    If acknowledging her feelings comes out as, “I’m sorry you felt disappointed,” then affirming them means saying, “And it’s okay that you felt disappointed.” If you think about it, there’s no such thing as a “right” or “wrong” feeling. We may disagree with the accuracy of an
assumption
that leads to that feeling, but if she’s feeling something, she’s feeling it. And it’s not helpful or even respectful to try to talk her out of it.

    Affirming her feelings means saying, “It’s okay that you felt disappointed.”

    Here’s what several female respondents told us on this point:

    • “Trying to talk me out of my feelings doesn’t accomplish what he’s trying to accomplish. In fact, it makes me feel absolutely terrible, like my husband doesn’t care one jot about how I feel.”
    • “Men don’t realize the value of affirming our feelings when they seem irrational or out of proportion to them. If a man could just grasp the value of that, he could cut arguments or long discussion times in half.”

    Now, of course there may be a need at some point to talk things through if you do disagree. But during a time of emotional sharing, it’s totally counterproductive to say (even if we believe it), “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

    W ARNING : D ON’T TRY THESE AT HOME !
    “How
not
to listen.”
    There’s nothing more dismaying to a guy than when he’s sincerely trying to win (to be loving and helpful), but he only commits an error. She gets hurt or angry or both. Suddenly, the man is the problem. Some collected coaching advice: In the heat of an inning,
never
…

    • tell her she’s overreacting,
    • question her version of the facts,
    • wonder aloud about the time of the month,
    • ask her to quit crying, or
    • offer spiritual correction (“Are you sure you’re not just envious?”)

    Getting Personal
    I’ll be the first to admit that when emotions start flying around, especially if the conversation is about our relationship, I can quickly conclude that my wife is attacking
me
. If Shaunti feels unhappy, I—like most men—I assume that she thinks that I blew it.
    But