Free FOR MEN ONLY by Shaunti Feldhahn Page B

I’m realizing that, usually, a man’s performance isn’t even on his wife’s mind. Instead, since most women process thoughts and feelings by talking about them, they need to be able to get their feelings about the relationship out on the table and have us listen. And the only way they can do that is if we don’t get defensive and take it personally.
    Consider what one survey taker said she most wished her husband knew:

    That when I tell him how I feel inside about something concerning our relationship, that I am just trying to share my feeling with him so we can discuss it. He takes it as criticism and turns it around so I feel like the bad guy for bringing it up. He says, “I never do anything right,” or “I can never please you,” which isn’t true. And so the problem never really gets discussed. I wish he could understand that it’s important for me to be able to talk about these things and understand that I’m not just being critical.

    When things get personal, we need to resist the natural male instinct to run for cover, man the defenses, or—worst of all—reach for the big guns. Much better to set aside our natural defensiveness and focus on listening well
even though we feel under attack
. Because we’re probably not. Instead, it’s usually an important opportunity to invest in our relationship and show her love in a way she will really
feel
it.

    It’s an opportunity to invest in our relationship and show her love in a way she will really
feel
it.
    Realize: She
Does
Appreciate You
    If we get the listening sequence right, the right and healing solutions will follow. We’ve already seen that 60 percent of the women on the survey found suggestions to be a negative if their husbands weren’t listening first, and being emotionally supportive. But next we asked, when the women set aside how they felt about their man’s emotional support, how would they feel about his actual suggestions? The response was overwhelming. More than two-thirds said they were “helpful” suggestions—and we can infer that more than 80 percent actually
agreed
with the suggested solution! Just 19 percent said that the solution itself would not be a good one.

    Consider times when you have actually been in the type of situation described in the previous question. Setting aside how you feel about your husband/significant other’s emotional support, how useful or valuable are his actual suggestions? [Choose One Answer]

    Virtually all the data in this chapter point to one often-overlooked principle for a man who wants a happy relationship:
The person who listens well holds enormous power.
    If we can learn to listen the way she needs us to, we have great power to defuse conflicting emotions, power to acknowledge and affirm—and yes, power to
then
help find solutions.
    Most of all though, when you and I listen, we wield great power to tell the woman we care about most that she is truly loved. As one woman told us, “After a great conversation I just want to kiss him and tell him how very, very much I appreciate him.”

Physically, women tend to crave sex less often than men do—and it is usually not related to your desirability
    T his chapter will be the ultimate test of your manhood.
    I’m going to ask you to do two things, and do them at the same time:

    1. Think clearly
    2. About sex

    I’ve noticed, and probably so have you, that what us men do so well as separate tasks—clear thinking and sex—we routinely, embarrassingly, miserably fail at doing together.
    As I found out after I got a full dose of the honest truth from about 450 women in Colorado. There I was, the only guy, listening while Shaunti presented what she’d learned about men while writing
For Women Only.
It was a weird and wonderful experience.
    And here was the wonderful part—at least at first. During a lively question and answer session, almost
all
the questions focused on sex! I was so amazed at the ladies’ one-track minds, I could barely