Free Solaris by Stanislaw Lem

was
sitting beside me on the bed, still looking at me gravely. I smiled
at her. She smiled back at me and leant forward. We kissed. First a
timid, childish kiss, then more prolonged ones. I held her for a
long time. Was it possible to feel so much in a dream, I wondered.
I was not betraying her memory, for it was of her that I was
dreaming, only her. It had never happened to me before….
    Was it then that I began to have doubts? I went on telling
myself that it was a dream, but my heart tightened.
    I tensed my muscles, ready to leap out of bed. I was
half-expecting to fail, for often, in dreams, your sluggish body
refuses to respond. I hoped that the effort would drag me out of
sleep. But I did not wake; I sat on the edge of the bed, my legs
dangling. There was nothing for it, I should have to endure this
dream right to the bitter end. My feeling of well-being had
vanished. I was afraid.
    "What…" I asked. I cleared my throat. "What do you
want?"
    I felt around the floor with my bare feet, searching for a pair
of slippers. I stubbed my toe against a sharp edge, and stifled a
cry of pain. That'll wake me up, I thought with satisfaction, at
the same time remembering that I had no slippers.
    But still it went on. Rheya had drawn back and was leaning
against the end of the bed. Her dress rose and fell lightly with
her breathing. She watched me with quiet interest.
    Quick, I thought, a shower! But then I realized that in a dream
a shower would not interrupt my sleep.
    "Where have you come from?"
    She seized my hand and, with a gesture I knew well, threw it up
and caught it again, then played with my fingers.
    "I don't know," she replied. "Are you angry?"
    It was her voice, that familiar, low-pitched, slightly faraway
voice, and that air of not caring much about what she was saying,
of already being preoccupied with something else. People used to
think her off-hand, even rude, because the expression on her face
rarely changed from one of vague astonishment.
    "Did…did anyone see you?"
    "I don't know. I got here without any trouble. Why, Kris, is it
important?"
    She was still playing with my fingers, but her face now wore a
slight frown.
    "Rheya."
    "What, my darling?"
    "How did you know where I was?"
    She pondered. A broad smile revealed her teeth.
    "I haven't the faintest idea. Isn't it funny? When I came in you
were asleep. I didn't wake you up because you get cross so easily.
You have a very bad temper."
    She squeezed my hand.
    "Did you go down below?"
    "Yes. It was all frozen. I ran away."
    She let go of my hand and lay back. With her hair falling to one
side, she looked at me with the half-smile that had irritated me
before it had captivated me.
    "But, Rheya…" I stammered.
    I leaned over her and turned back the short sleeve of her dress.
There, just above her vaccination scar, was a red dot, the mark of
a hypodermic needle. I was not really surprised, but my heart gave
a lurch.
    I touched the red spot with my finger. For years now I had
dreamt of it, over and over again, always waking with a shudder to
find myself in the same position, doubled up between the crumpled
sheets—just as I had found her, already growing cold. It was
as though, in my sleep, I tried to relive what she had gone
through; as though I hoped to turn back the clock and ask her
forgiveness, or keep her company during those final minutes when
she was feeling the effects of the injection and was overcome by
terror. She, who dreaded the least scratch, who hated pain or the
sight of blood, had deliberately done this horrible thing, leaving
nothing but a few scribbled words addressed to me. I had kept her
note in my wallet. By now it was soiled and creased, but I had
never had the heart to throw it away.
    Time and time again I had imagined her tracing those words and
making her final preparations. I persuaded myself that she had only
been play-acting, that she had wanted to frighten me and had taken
an overdose by mistake. Everyone told me that it must have