Free The Bum's Rush by G. M. Ford

dog
wants to eat cat shit, long as he don't spread it around the floor or breathe in
my face, I guess that's his business. You know what I mean." She leaned
against the back of the bench, smoothing the sun on her round cheeks.
    "A rule to live by," I offered.
    She sat back up. "But now porkypines, that's a
whole 'nother matter. Every time that dumbass dog would get outside,
he'd find him a porkypine and then come back whinin' on the porch with
a nose full of quills. We'd hold him down and yank 'em out and he'd
walk around with his muzzle all swole up for the next week, and then
the dumb shit would just go off and do it again."
    "Must have been in his blood," I said.
    "Once in a while, he'd get 'em so bad we had to
take him to the vet. Get 'em through his tongue and all, you know. Vet
would charge us forty bucks to get 'em out and 'fore they was even
healed the dumb shit would go and do it again. Well, Bobby that was my
husband about the third time he had to come up with the forty bucks, he
took that old Lucky dog out behind the woodshed and put one in his
ear." She shrugged. "To Bobby's way of thinkin', havin a good dog was
one thing, but making monthly payments on one was another."
    "You're not going to take me out behind the woodshed, are you?"
    She laughed. "Not me, Leo. I myself am startin' to
get fond of you, but my guess is that you keep stickin' your nose in
where it ain't wanted, sooner or later somebody gonna put you down."
    "It's been tried before."
    She grinned again. "I just bet it has, Leo. I just
bet it has." She reached under the bench and retrieved a bagshrouded
bottle. I watched her throat work as she made a serious dent in it.
Finished, she motioned toward me with the bottle. I declined.
    "I ain't got cooties," she said.
    "I'm getting old, Selena. I drink in the morning, I need a nap."
    She slapped her knee. "Me too, Leo." This sent her into spasms of laughter.
    I waited until she calmed down. "So listen--" I started.
    She shook her head. The movement seemed to make her
dizzy. She grabbed the bench with her free hand, closed her eyes, and
composed herself. "No, you listen, Leo. Don't think I don't 'predate
what you're trying to do. But--"
    "I only--"
    She waved me off. "Button it, will ya," she said.
"I'm makin' a speech here." She took a deep breath and a big dry
swallow. "Nothing's gonna change anything. Maybe if--" She closed her
eyes again. "Who knows," she said when she reopened them. "Who knows.
If--ah, shit--" She broke into hearty laughter. "If my grandmother had
wheels, she'd be a bus. It's done. Over. That's it." This time she
waved herself off. "Let it go, Leo. Just let the damn thing go."
    "It's in my blood," I confessed.
    She groped around for her bottle, found it, and stood. "Time for that little nap," she said.
    "I just wanted to know how you felt about being dead, that's all."
    Her eyes narrowed as she weaved over me. "Ain't no
reason to get nasty. Don't be gettin' nasty, Leo; it don't suit you.
I'll have to smack you with this here bottle, you get nasty," she said
with a smile.
    "I'm not being nasty. I'm trying to tell you that according to King County and the State of Washington,
you've been dead for years." I reached in my pocket and pulled out a
copy of her death certificate.
    She looked at my hand like I was trying to pass her some of the aforementioned cat shit.
    "What's that?" she asked, making no move to take it.
    "That's your death certificate. Cost me eleven dollars, too."
    "Eleven bucks just to say I'm dead?"
    "Yep."
    "I coulda told 'em that for nothing." Again, she
collapsed in great whoops of laughter. Selena's mirth was beginning to
attract attention. A black man of about forty had spotted her bottle.
He wore a dirty blue athletic jacket and an elongated yellow stocking
cap tipped at an angle. At the sound of the laughter, he began to
stumble over in our direction. When he got within ten feet or so, I
turned to face him. "Need something, buddy?" I asked.
    His eyes were nearly