Free Welcome to My Jungle by Craig Duswalt

letter and rose onstage near her feet. I am positive now, from touring with bands for over ten years, that that letter never made it to her dressing room.
    After the show I thought to myself, What was I doing? It had felt so weird that I decided to never ask for another autograph again.
    I have nothing against people that do it, but it’s just not me. I guess that’s why I fit in with Air Supply and Guns N’ Roses so well. I just treated them like regular people.
    THAT IS WHAT ROCK STARS WANT. To be treated like regular people.
    Asking for an autograph is just awkward. It’s pretty much a no-win situation for the person asking for the autograph because the celebrity often thinks, Oh, I gotta sign more stuff . Many of them hate it. They love that they have fans, but many celebrities hate signing autographs after a while.
    The room service waiter had an idea. “Maybe I can knock on his door and ask him right now?”

    I wasn’t sure if the waiter either ignored what I just said, or if he didn’t speak English very well.
    “Did you just hear what I said? Again, today really isn’t a good day. He’s tired and just wants to be left alone.”
    “I understand,” he said.
    “Good, we’re on the same page. I promise, if you don’t ask him now, I will get you an autograph tonight after the show.”
    I figured that the worst-case scenario would be that Axl wouldn’t want to sign anything after the show, but that I could sign one of Axl’s 8 × 10s myself if I had to. I had done it many times before.
    “Okay, you promise?” pleaded the waiter.
    “I promise.”
    And with that Axl walked into my room.
    As if I didn’t exist, the waiter walked right into Axl’s face, took out the room service bill, turned it over, and asked Axl for his autograph.
    “Dude, are you serious?” I yelled.
    The waiter ignored me.
    “Axl, I just told him that I would get him an autograph later tonight.”
    So Axl grabbed a handful of fries, and I took the waiter by the arm and tried to escort him out of the room.
    But this guy wasn’t going down without a fight.
    He squirmed out of my grip and went right back in Axl’s face.
    He was so rude about it that I was shocked that Axl didn’t pop him in the face right there. But Axl just remained calm and ate his French fries.
    I grabbed the waiter around the waist and hoisted him up in the air. He screamed, “Axl, just one autograph, please, I love you!” as I tossed him out of my room, and slammed the door.
    Axl and I then sat down to eat as if nothing just happened.
    Except I think Axl said something like, “That was weird.”

    And then we watched television.
    About ten minutes later, there was a knock at my door. Axl and I were still eating dinner.
    I yelled, “Who is it?”
    No answer.
    I thought to myself that there was no way the guy would come back.
    I looked through the peephole, and it was him.
    “Are you serious?” I said through the door.
    No answer.
    “Dude, I can see you through the peephole, I know it’s you.”
    “Please, sir, can I have Axl’s autograph?”
    Axl and I just started cracking up.
    “I gotta say, the guy is persistent,” I added.
    The best thing about touring with a band like Guns N’ Roses is that nearly all situations can be handled in less than ten seconds.
    I got on my walkie-talkie, and I called for security to remove the guy standing at my door.
    Within four seconds Axl and I heard the waiter screaming, “Let me go. What are you doing? Put me down. Owwww!”
    Axl and I continued to enjoy our dinner.
    I did not give him an autographed picture after the show.
    THE $5,000 PHONE CALL
    Cell phones were just hitting the market in the early 90s. Unfortunately, many of us did not have one while on tour, including me. So, believe it or not, we actually used hotel room phones to make phone calls. These days phones are more like decorations in hotels rooms, but back then, although very expensive, that was how you made calls. When we were overseas, calling