Free Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler Page B

themselves raising their voice,pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet. It’s only then that they realize how they’re feeling.
    So take a moment to think about some of your toughest conversations. What cues can you use to recognize that your brain is beginning to disengage and you’re at risk of moving away from healthy dialogue?
Learn to Look for Safety Problems
    If you can catch signs that the conversation is starting to turn crucial—before you get sucked so far into the actual argument that you can never withdraw from the content—then you can start dual-processing immediately. And what exactly should you watch for? People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on
safety
. They pay attention to the content—that’s a given—and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. When friends, loved ones, or colleagues move away from healthy dialogue (freely adding to the pool of meaning)—either forcing their opinions into the pool or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the pool—they immediately turn their attention to whether or not others feel safe.
    When it’s safe, you can say anything
. Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both these reactions—to fight and to take flight—are motivated by the same emotion: fear. On the other hand, if you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything and people will listen. If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.
    This is a pretty remarkable claim. Think about it. We’re suggesting that people rarely become defensive simply because of
what
you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the
content
of your message, but the
condition
of the conversation. As we saw earlier, from the time we are quite small we begin to conclude that you can’t be both honest and respectful simultaneously. In essence, we conclude that there are some messages you just can’t give to some people. And over time, that list of messages gets longer and longer—until we find ourselves handling most crucial conversations badly. If what we’re suggesting here is true, then the problem is not the message. The problem is that you and I fail to help others feel safe hearing the message. If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply
see
and
understand
that safety is at risk.
    Think about your own experience. Can you remember receiving really blistering feedback from someone at some point in your life, but in this instance you didn’t become defensive? Instead, you absorbed the feedback. You reflected on it. You allowed it to influence you. If so, ask yourself why. Why in this instance were you able to absorb potentially threatening feedback so well? If you’re like the rest of us, it’s because you believed that the other person had your best interest in mind. In addition, you respected the other person’s opinion. You felt
safe
receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person. You didn’t need to defend yourself from what was being said— even if you didn’t like what they were saying!
    On the other hand, if you don’t feel safe, you can’t take any feedback. It’s as if the pool of meaning has a lid on it. “What do you mean I look good? Is that some kind of joke? Are you insulting me?” When you don’t feel safe, even well-intended comments are suspect.
    When it’s