Free Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

relationships?” There usually is.
SUMMARY—START WITH HEART
    Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals—particularly when the going gets tough.
Work on Me First, Us Second
    â€¢ Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.
Focus on What You
Really
Want
    â€¢ When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives.
    â€¢ Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?”
    â€¢ Then, clarify what you
really
want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?”
    â€¢ And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”
Refuse the Fool’s Choice
    â€¢ As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Fool’s Choice.
    â€¢ Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choosebetween peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.
    â€¢ Break free of these Fool’s Choices by searching for the
and
.
    â€¢ Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

4
    I have known a thousand scamps; but I never met one who considered himself so. Self-knowledge isn’t so common
.
    â€”O UIDA
Learn to Look
How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk
    Let’s start this chapter by visiting a failed crucial conversation. You’ve just ended a heated debate with a group of people you supervise. What started out as a harmless discussion about your new product timelines ended up as a nasty argument. After an hour of carping and complaining, you finally went to your separate corners.
    You’re now walking down the hall wondering what happened. In a matter of minutes, an innocent discussion had transformed into a crucial conversation and then into a
failed
conversation—and you can’t recall why. You do remember a tense moment when you started pushing your point of view a bit too hard (okay, maybe
way
too hard), and eight people stared at you as if you had just bitten the head off a chicken. But then the meeting ended.
    What you don’t realize is that two of your friends are walking down the hallway in the opposite direction conducting a play-by-play of the meeting. They
do
know what took place.
    â€œIt happened again. The boss started pushing so hard for personal agenda items that we all began to act defensively. Did you notice how at one point all of our jaws dropped simultaneously? Of course, I was just as bad as the boss. I spoke in absolutes, only pointed out facts that supported my view, and then ended with a list of outlandish claims. I got hooked like a marlin.”
    Later that day as you talk to your friends about the meeting, they let you in on what happened. You were there, but somehow you missed what actually
happened
.
    â€œThat’s because you were so caught up in the
content
of the conversation,” your buddy explains. “You cared so deeply about the product timelines that you were blind to the
conditions
. You know—how people were feeling and acting, what tone they were taking, stuff like that.”
    â€œYou saw all that while still carrying on a heated conversation?” you ask.
    â€œYeah,” your coworker explains, “I always watch two elements. When things start turning ugly, I watch the content of the conversation (the topic under discussion) along with the conditions (what people are doing in response). I look for and examine both
what
and
why
. If you can see why people are becoming upset or holding back their views or even going silent, you can do something to get back on track.”
    â€œYou look at the ‘conditions,’ and then you know what to do to get back on track?”
    â€œSometimes,” your friend answers. “But you’ve got to learn exactly what to look