Free The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld Page A

obsessed with specifications and indicators. Now that women are supposed to enjoy sex—which men take to mean that we are supposed to make it enjoyable for them—how do we know they enjoyed it? We need a clear sign, and orgasm is the clearest sign we can think of.
    Yet all of this is foolishness. There can be good sex that doesn’t include orgasm for either partner, that has orgasm for only one partner, that has only one orgasm for the woman, that involves less than house-shaking and bed-breaking orgasms.
    One result of this myth is added pressure on a man to perform. Not only does he have to get it up and keep it up, he also has to use his tool, and everything else he has, to give his partner a mind-blowing experience. And of course no one ever tells him exactly how he’s supposed to accomplish that.
    This belief has another unfortunate consequence. It can make it difficult for a man to feel good about a sexual encounter that consists solely of being pleasured by his partner. Sometimes when the woman is not in the mood and the man is, she can engage in intercourse or some other act forhis pleasure. As long as she feels good about what she’s doing and there’s no coercion, I don’t see anything wrong with this, just as I don’t see anything wrong with a man’s stimulating his partner for her satisfaction when he isn’t in the mood for something for himself. This practice can be quite helpful in a relationship where one partner wants sex more frequently than the other.
    But because of the idea that sex isn’t complete unless the woman has orgasmic convulsions, many men put such activities down as “servicing” and say they aren’t interested. So the man may deprive himself of the sex he could have had and feels frustrated, annoyed, or angry. The woman is also in a bad place. What she was able and willing to provide isn’t good enough, and now she’s got an upset partner. Should she just accept that, or should she try to force feelings that aren’t there or even fake them? This kind of stuff does not make for happy relationships.
    MYTH 10: GOOD SEX IS SPONTANEOUS, WITH NO PLANNING AND NO TALKING
    Fantasyland sex is spontaneous. People get turned on to each other and one thing leads to another, as we like to say. Of course, one or both partners may have been thinking about sex beforehand, hoping for it, anticipating it. And the partners may hint, flirt, tease, and seduce. But apparently it’s not okay to talk openly and plan together for sex.
    A quote from best-selling author Jackie Collins illustrates part of this myth. A man and woman who don’t know each other and who have barely exchanged a dozen words start having sex: “There was nothing awkward about their lovemaking. He entered her smoothly and she moved with him as if they had been together many times before. Instinctively she knew his rhythm and he knew hers.” Isn’t that nice? Nothing was awkward, and each “instinctively” knew the other’s rhythm and presumably desires as well. Just like in real life, right? Later, as the man recalls the experience, he thinks this: “No corny lines or bullshit. Just wonderfully uninhibited silent sex.” The message is clear: Discussing sex, or even getting to know one another—all this is “corny lines or bullshit.” Only silent sex is real and meaningful.
    This shows why fantasy sex is so popular. It feeds into the childish fantasies we all carry around, where people instinctively know what the other wants and willingly provide it, where there are no serious problems, where we can have whatever we want and all we want of it.
    We have no trouble planning dates and social events. Few people show up at airports, laden with suitcases, asking, “Do you have planes going to any interesting places today?” Rather, they plan their vacations, and no one seems to suffer because of this. And few people have any problems discussing what to do about dinner tonight: “Do you want to eat in or go out? Early or