Free From Potter's Field by Patricia Cornwell

hand in hand along the wall of the park, and I could not recall if we had shown affection before in public. But the few people out could not see our faces clearly, not that they would have cared. For a moment my heart was light, and snow hitting snow sounded like snow hitting glass.

    We walked without talking for many blocks, and I thought about my family in Miami. I probably would call them again before the end of the day, and my reward would be more complaints. They were unhappy with me because I had not done what they wanted, and whenever that was the case, I furiously wanted to quit them as if they were a bad job or a vice. In truth, I worried most about Lucy, whom I had always loved as if she were my daughter. Mother I could not please, and Dorothy I did not like.

    I moved closer to Benton and took his arm. He reached over with his other hand to take mine as I pressed my body against him. Both of us wore caps, which made it difficult to kiss. So we stopped on the sidewalk in the gathering dark, turned our caps backward like hoodlums and resolved the problem. Then we laughed at each other because of how we looked.

    'Damn, I wish I had a camera.' Wesley laughed some more.

    'No, you don't.'

    I returned the cap to its proper position as I thought of anyone taking a picture of us together. I was reminded that we were outlaws, and the merry moment vanished. We walked on.

    'Benton, this can't go on forever,' I said.

    He did not speak.

    I went on, 'In your real world you are a committed husband and father, and then we go out of town.'

    'How do you feel about it?' he said, tension returning to his voice.

    'I suppose I feel the same way most people do when they're having an affair. Guilt, shame, fear, sadness. I get headaches and you lose weight.' I paused. 'Then we get around each other.'

    'What about jealousy?' he asked.

    I hesitated. 'I discipline myself not to feel that.'

    'You can't discipline yourself not to feel.'

    'Certainly you can. We both do it all the time when we're working cases like this one.'

    'Are you jealous of Connie?' he persisted as we walked.

    'I have always been fond of your wife and think she is a fine person.'

    'But are you jealous of her relationship with me? It would be very understandable-'

    I interrupted him. 'Why must you push this, Benton?'

    'Because I want us to face the facts and sort through them, somehow.'

    'All right, then you tell me something,' I said. 'When I was with Mark while he was your partner and best friend, were you ever jealous?'

    'Of whom?' He tried to be funny.

    'Were you ever jealous of my relationship with Mark?' I said.

    He did not answer right away.

    'I would be lying if I didn't admit that I've always been attracted to you. Strongly attracted,' he finally said.

    I thought back to times when Mark, Wesley and I had been together. I searched for the faintest hint of what he had just said. I could not remember. But when I had been with Mark, I was focused only on him.

    'I have been honest,' Wesley went on. 'Let's talk about you and Connie again. I need to know.'

    'Why?'

    'I need to know if all of us could ever be together,' he said. 'Like the old days when you had dinner with us, when you came to visit. My wife has begun to ask why you don't do that anymore.'

    'You're saying that you fear she is suspicious.' I felt paranoid.

    'I'm saying that the subject has come up. She likes you. Now that you and I work together, she wonders why that means she sees less of you rather than more.'

    'I can see why she might wonder,' I said.

    'What are we going to do?'

    I had been in Benton's home and watched him with his children and his wife. I remembered the touching, the smiles and allusions to matters beyond my ken as they briefly shared their world with friends. But in those days it was different because I had been in love with Mark, who now was dead.

    I let go of Wesley's hand. Yellow cabs rushed by in sprays of snow, and lights were warm in apartment building